“I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them”
"I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I can time travel into the future at the rate of one second per second”
We all time travel. "I can time travel.... but only forwards.....and really slowly... at one second per second" was posted on Twitter by Rudy Lippert on July 26, 2010. "I time travel…
“I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol”
"I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol" is a jocular saying that has been printed on T-shirts. To "walk on water" is to accomplish an impossible task; the miracle of…
“I can write in cursive so I’m basically a Founding Father at this point”
The Founding Fathers of the United States wrote documents in cursive, but most people seldom write in cursive today. Cursive is sometimes called "founding father handwriting."…
“I can’t afford a nice television, so I smoke weed and read the dictionary. High definition”
"High definition" has nothing to do with getting high and reading a dictionary, but there are jokes. "RT @RickieJacobs These rappers try to take my recognition/ We smoke weed then…
“I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons. You make me sick!”
A Valentine's Day joke is: GIRL: I can't be your valentine for medical reasons.BOY: Really?GIRL: Yeah, you make me sick! The joke has been cited in print since at least 1999. 14 February…
“I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just doing nothing”
Many people believe that politicians don't do a whole lot of work. "I used to sit around and do nothing all day. Then I got arrested for impersonating a politician" was posted on…
“I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit”
"I can't believe I/we still have to protest this crap/shit" is a popular sign at many protest marches. "I can't believe I still have to protest this crap" was printed…
“I can’t believe I’ve been arrested for shoplifting. The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan!”
"Swipe the cardigan" sounds like "swipe the (credit) card again." "I tried buying a buttoned sweater, but my payment was declined so I had to swipe the cardigan" was…
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person”
"I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person" is a jocular New Year's one-line saying that has been printed on an ecard. Someecards posted…
“I can’t believe pretzels are knot bread”
Pretzels are baked bread often -- but not always -- shaped into a twisted knot. "Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food? (Pun of the Day)" -- from the website Pun of the Day…
“I can’t believe the entire Siberian Orchestra is trans”
Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) is an American rock band. "Trans-Siberian" usually means "across Siberia," but there are jokes where "trans" means…
“I can’t breathe” (anti-police brutality slogan)
Eric Garner died in Staten Island on July 17, 2014. A police officer had grabbed his neck (seemingly choking Garner), and a video of the incident recorded Garner saying, "I can't…
“I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up or are living the fullest”
"I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was…
“I can’t die! I’m booked!”
New York-born actor and comedian George Burns (1896-1996) wanted to live to at least age 100 and he constantly worked, without formally retiring. He long-planned to celebrate his 100th birthday…
“I can’t espresso how much you bean to me”
"I can't espresso how much you bean to me" is a pun-filled coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "I can not espresso how much you bean to me" was posted on…
“I can’t even press charges on the guy who stole my explosives”
"Press charges" usually means to press "legal" charges. The expression usually has nothing to do with detonating explosives, but there are jokes. "Those who aim torpedoes…
“I can’t figure out how to operate my automatic transmission car. It didn’t come with a manual”
There is a difference between a "car manual" and a "manual transmission," but there are jokes. "I wonder if in the US cars with an automatic (transmission) come with a…
“I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist”
A ventriloquist speaks for someone else -- a "dummy." "I can't speak for anyone else, but I think my ventriloquist act is going well" was posted on Twitter by This Henry…
“I can’t stand broken tripods”
The term "I can't stand" (meaning "I hate") usually doesn't involve standing, but there are jokes. "I can't stand broken tripods" was posted on Twitter…