“I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a…” (joke)
A "Child Abuse Hotline" is usually to report about abuse to children, but a joke has it that the hotline is to get abuse from children. "I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon”
"I buy/pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "HEALTHY EATING #36 I BUY…
“I plan on marrying into a family that does mimosas on holiday mornings instead of 5K’s”
Many runs are planned over holiday weekends, such as a 5k "turkey trot" over Thanksgiving. "I plan on marrying into a family that does mimosas on holiday mornings instead of…
“I play a little guitar, but mostly I play the ukulele”
"I play a little guitar" is a popular ukulele joke. The pun is that the meaning of "I play guitar a little" is changed when it's written as "I play a little…
“I play a little guitar” (ukulele joke)
"I play a little guitar" is a popular ukulele joke. The pun is that the meaning of "I play guitar a little" is changed when it's written as "I play a little…
“I played a great horse yesterday. It took seven horses to beat him”
A classic racetrack joke is: "I bet on a wonderful horse. It took seven horses to beat him." The joke has been cited in print since at least 1942. New York-born comedian Joe E. Lewis…
“I played frisbee with my dog today. I think I need a flatter dog”
"I try to do a bit of exercise every now and then. Last week I was playing Frisbee with my dog, It wasn't very good. I'll have to get a flatter dog" is a joke from Irish actor…
“I played in a snooker tournament for the emotionally unstable. I was first to break”
In the game of snooker, one player is "first to break." "Interrogating snooker players is SO easy. They're always the first to break" is a pun that was posted on Twitter on…
“I pledge a legion to the flag” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)
The Pledge of Allegiance of the United States has been recited by millions of school children, and many of them say the wrong words. These mishearings or misinterpretations are called…
“I pledge a lesion to the flag” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)
The Pledge of Allegiance of the United States has been recited by millions of school children, and many of them say the wrong words. These mishearings or misinterpretations are called…
“I pledge a lesson to the frog” (Pledge of Allegiance mondegreen)
The Pledge of Allegiance of the United States has been recited by millions of school children, and many of them say the wrong words. These mishearings or misinterpretations are called…
“I pledge allegiance to the cup that holds my caffeinated beverage…” (coffee pledge)
A pledge of allegiance to a cup of coffee is shown on many images: "I pledge allegiance to the cup that holds my caffeinated beverage. And to the drink which it contains, one container, full…
“I pledge allegiance to the mask of the World Health Organization…”
A Covid-19 parody of the Pledge of Allegiance has been shown on many images: "I pledge allegiance to the mask of the World Health Organization, and to the United Nations, for which it stands,…
“I posed naked for a men’s fitness magazine. The cashier would have preferred I’d just paid for it”
A fitness magazine joke was posted on Twitter by Jonny Cooper on September 5, 2013: "Last week I posed naked for a men's fitness magazine. I think the cashier would have preferred…
“I pray that I never go through whatever makes y’all drink unsweet tea”
Many people, especially Texans, cannot understand anyone who drinks unsweet tea. "I pray I never go through whatever makes y’all drink unsweet tea" was posted on Facebook by Bo Cox on…
“I pray that I never go through whatever makes y’all drink unsweetened tea”
Many people, especially Texans, cannot understand anyone who drinks unsweet tea. "I pray I never go through whatever makes y’all drink unsweet tea" was posted on Facebook by Bo Cox on…
“I pray to the saint of ups and downs. St. Francis of a See-Saw”
Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone (1181-1226) is known as St. Francis of Assisi. There is no St. Francis of a See-Saw, but there are jokes. "I pray to the saint of ups and downs. St. Francis of…
“I prefer my guns the way Democrats prefer their voters: undocumented and untraceable”
"Undocumented" guns have been compared to "undocumented" Americans. "RT @frontalboundary: My #guns are not #illegal they are #undocumented. #NRA #Pelosi #Obama #Biden"…
“I prefer my kale with a silent ‘k’”
"I prefer my kale with a silent 'k'" -- that is, "ale" -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. American television sports journalist Rich Esien…
“I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way”
"Butter" is often used as a pun for "better." This was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on November 9, 2019: "I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way."…