“A consultant is someone who lives out of town”
"Consultant" is often defined as someone who lives out of town -- or at least 50 or 100 miles away. The consultant is called in, says the obvious, and then leaves. “A consultant is…
“I’ll have burnt toast and cold coffee” (restaurant customer joke)
An old joke has a sarcastic restaurant customer ordering a terrible breakfast of hard eggs, burned and cold toast, and weak coffee. The waitress tells him that it would be difficult to make. The…
“No one gets sick on Wednesdays”
The old joke is that "no one gets sick on Wednesdays" -- people get sick on a Monday or a Friday to extend the weekend, but not in the middle of the week. The only people to get sick (or,…
“My family’s in the iron and steel business” (joke)
"My family's in the iron and steel business," goes an old joke. "My mother irons and my father steals." The joke appeared in a college humor magazine in 1930 (the Google…
“Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the U.S.?”/“Because freedom rings.”
"Let freedom ring!" is the last line of the first verse of "My Country, 'Tis of Thee." It's also the punch line of a popular knock-knock joke: "Why are there no…
“Why is monastery food so greasy?”/“It’s cooked by friars.”
The words "fryer" and "friar" have been the source of several jokes. One was told in 2005: "Why is food in a monastery so greasy?""lt's cooked by…
“Why did the mushroom go to the party?”/“Because he was a fun-gi.”
A mushroom is the spore-bearing fruiting body of a fungus. The following joke was cited in print in 1990: Q. Why was the mushroom invited to the party?A. Because he was a fun-guy. The joke is often…
“Why did the cookie go to the doctor?”/“Because he was feeling crummy!”
Cookies have crumbs. A classic cookie joke (cited since at least 1993) is: "Why did the cookie go to the doctor/hospital? Because he felt crummy! Google BooksSee SawBy Anthony JohnNew York,…
“If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way: if not, you’ll find an excuse”
"If it's important to you, you'll find a way: if not, you'll find an excuse" has been printed on many posters. The saying is often credited to American motivational speaker…
Lying Mainstream Media (LMSM)
American journalist Robert Parry wrote "LMSM, the 'Lying Mainstream Media'" for the Washington (DC) Post in June 2005. Parry believed that the mainstream media (MSM) had…
Bubblenomics (bubble + economics)
"Bubblenomics" (bubble + economics) is the economics of a financial bubble (when prices are inflated). "The Story of Bubblenomics" (1999), a paper presentation by William A.…
“The Burning of the School” (“Battle Hymn of the Republic” parody)
Various versions of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" change the lyrics into an anti-school anthem, often called "The Burning of the School." The following was cited in February…
“Age and glasses of wine should never be counted”
"Age and glasses of wine should never be counted" is a popular wine saying that has been printed on many gift items. ""Anni e bicchieri di vino non si contano mai."(Age and…
“We don’t do kings (in America)”
"We had a revolution in 1776 because we don't do kings" was said by conservvative politician and speaker Sarah Palin at the Western Conservative Summit on July 19, 2014. Palin was…
Dead Meat (to be a loser or in serious trouble)
Someone is "dead meat" if that person is a sure loser (in a sports match against a very formidable opponent, for example) or if that person is in very serious trouble (of losing a job or…
“Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant”
"Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant" is usually credited to French Radical politician Henri Queuille (1884-1970). "His (Henri Queuille --…
“Grow your own dope—plant a politician”
"Grow your own dope -- plant a politician" is a jocular saying; Google Images shows that many variations of the saying have been printed on T-shirts and bumper stickers. The earliest…
“If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?”
"Guns don't kill people -- people kill people" is a famous pro-gun (pro-Second Amendment) saying. "If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?" is a…
Procaffination (Procaffinate; Procaffinating)
"Procaffeination"/"Procaffination" (proscrastination + caffeine) is often defined as doing nothing until one has had one's cup of coffee (full of caffeine).…
“I must be in the front row”
Bob Uecker has a mediocre baseball playing career, but he achieved fame joking about it. In a Miller Lite beer commercial from 1984, Uecker says that the front office has given him tickets and he…