“Don’t put sugar on shit and tell me it’s a brownie”
To "sugarcoat" something is to make something more pleasant than it actually is. "Don't put/sprinkle sugar on shit and tell me it's a brownie/candy/chocolate" is a…
“We used to have empires ruled by emperors and kingdoms ruled by kings…”
A popular not-safe-for-work joke is: "We used to have empires ruled by emperors. We used to have kingdoms rules by kings. Now we have countries ruled by..." British comedian Kenny Everett…
“What do you call a chef under stress?”/“A pressure cooker.”
There are several jokes about pressure cookers and slow cookers. This pressure cooker joke is from at least 2002: Q: What chef thrives under stress?A: A pressure cooker. Several politically…
“A ham sandwich walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." One food joke variation is: "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and begins to order. The…
“Knock, knock.”/“Who’s there?”/“9/11.”/“9/11 who?” (joke)
A knock-knock joke involving the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 is: "Knock, knock.""Who's there?""9/11.""9/11 who?""You said you'd…
“In honor of tax season, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square will handle your extension”
American late night television comedian David Letterman hosted the New York City-based shows Late Night with David Letterman on NBC and Late Show with David Letterman on CBS, broadcasting from 1982…
“You have to be a contortionist in this economy to make ends meet”
The old financial expression of "make ends meet" becomes a joke when a contortionist is mentioned. "The contortionists at Barnum's show will never know what it is to be…
“Crime in New York is really serious. The Statue of Liberty had both hands up”
Comedian Jay Leno said on NBC's The Tonight Show in September 1990: "That crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up."…
Ocean Meat (seafood)
Seafood is infrequently called "ocean meat." "Ate some amazing seafood stew that my wonderful love made earlier this week for lunch. Who knew all this ocean meat could be so…
“A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door”
American actor, political commentator and stand-up comedian. D.L. Hughley said in his stand-up act on Comedy Central on November 28, 2003: “In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor…
“New York’s tough without the coin, isn’t it?”
New York City can be a very difficult place for someone who doesn't have any money. American novelist and journalist Theodore Dreiser (1871-1945) wrote about the music publishers of "Tin…
“The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford”
American television personality and game show executive Jack Barry (1918-1984) was quoted in a newspaper entertainment column by Earl Wilson (1907-1987) in January 1951: "EARL'S PEARLS.…
Pajama Trader
There are two kinds of traders who have been called "pajama" (or "pyjama") traders. A "pajama trader" is a small investor, who might trade from home (while wearing…
“I moved to New York for my health. I’m paranoid and my fears were justified”
Anita Weiss was credited in 1993 for having said: "I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and it was the only place where my fears were justified." The quotation has…
“Why does NY have so many bankers and NJ so many toxic waste dumps?” (banker joke)
A popular old lawyer joke is: Q: "Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?"A: New Jersey had first choice. The joke has been cited in print…
“Why does California have the most lawyers and NJ the most toxic waste dumps?” (lawyer joke)
A popular old lawyer joke is: Q: "Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?"A: New Jersey had first choice. The joke has been cited in print…
“What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?” (lawyer joke)
One popular lawyer joke is: Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. The joke has been cited in print sine at least 1990. Google…
“What kind of bar do fish go to?”/“A sand bar.”
A bar joke about fish is: Q: What kind of bar do fish go to?A: A sand bar. The joke has been cited in print since at least 2003. DCEmulationBad JokesRoofusPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2003 11:50 am…
“You don’t need a parachute to skydive” (joke)
"You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice" is a jocular line that has been printed on ecards. The line has been cited in print since at least…
“An infra-red photon walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." A photon version is: "An infra-red photon walks into a bar and says, 'Is it hot…