“Slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace”
"Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace" is a joke that has been printed on several images. “I slept like a log last night. I must have. I woke up in the fireplace"…
“I’d make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all”
"Carrot" sounds a bit like "care at." "I'd make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images.…
“Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?”/“She couldn’t control her pupils.”
A schoolteacher pun about "pupils" is: Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher loser her job?A: She couldn't control her pupils. The joke has been cited in print since at least 1942 and…
“I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back…” (joke)
The Daylight Saving Time practice of "spring forward, fall back" has everyone setting a clock back one hour in the fall. A dyslexic "turn your clock back" joke was posted on…
“I shouldn’t have had seafood because now I’m feeling a little eel”
"I knew I shouldn't have had the seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel" is a jocular one-liner that has been printed on many images. "You'll have to excuse me,…
“I never joined the mile-high club because I don’t give a flying fuck”
People who have sex on flying aircraft are said to have joined the "mile-high club." A one-line joke is: "I never joined the mile-high club because I don't give a flying…
“What kind of music are scissors afraid of?”/“Rock music.”
A riddle about the game rock-paper-scissors was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on March 2, 2017: Q: What kind of music are scissors afraid of?A: Rock music. "What kind of music are scissors afraid…
“Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?”/“No outside food is allowed.”
A cannibal riddle was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on March 2, 2017: Q: Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?A: No outside food is allowed. Forms of the joke had been posted earlier. "How do…
“Why did a soccer manager give his team lighters?”/“Because they kept losing all of their matches.”
A pun about football (soccer) "matches" is: Q: Why did the football manager give his team lighters?A: Because they kept losing all of their matches. The joke was posted to the newsgroup…
“What do you call a Chinese billionaire?”/“Cha Ching.”
"Cha Ching" sounds like an old cash register closing; by extension, it means money. A riddle is: Q: What do you call a Chinese billionaire?A: Cha Ching. "What do you call A chinese…
“Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?”/“It ran out of juice.”
An orange riddle is: Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?A: It ran out juice. The riddle has been cited in print since at least 1972. 2 September 1972, Cumberland (MD) News-Times,…
“Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?”/“No outside food is allowed.”
A cannibal riddle was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on March 2, 2017: Q: Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?A: No outside food is allowed. Forms of the joke had been posted earlier. "How do…
“Diner: How long will my spaghetti be? Waiter: I don’t know. We never measure it.”
A joke about ordering spaghetti in a restaurant is: Diner: Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?Waiter: I don't know, sir. We never measure it. The joke was printed in American newspapers in…
“Why don’t we take the safety labels off everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?”
"I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?" is a…
“Confidence is the companion of success”
"Confidence is the companion of success" is a saying that has been printed on several images. Authorship is unknown. "Confidence is the companion of success" has been cited in…
“No rules for success will work if you don’t”
"No rules for success will work if you don't" is a saying that has been printed on many images. Authorship is uncertain. "Be honest and polite are two mighty good rules for…
“If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance”
"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance" is an inspirational saying that has been printed on many images. The saying means that if you're on thin ice (in a…
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets”
"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets" is a jocular one-liner that has been printed on many images. The line was said on the American situation comedy television series Parks and…
“What do you call an electric car at the top of a hill?”/“A miracle.”
A joke about an electric car is: Q: What do you call an electric car on top of a hill?A: A miracle. The joke has been cited in print since at least 2008. Mark's MusingsFriday, January 04,…
“How do you make an electric car go faster?”/“A tow truck.”
A joke about an electric car is: Q: How do you make an electric car go faster?A: A tow truck. The joke has been cited in print since at least 2008. Mark's MusingsFriday, January 04,…