“What did the Dorito say to the cowboy?”/“Cool ranch.”
"Cool Ranch" Doritos tortilla chips contain ranch dressing, but not an actual ranch. A Doritos riddle about this is: Q: What did the Dorito say to the cowboy?A: "Cool ranch."…
“There’s life outside the internet.”/“Send me the link.”
"There's life without Facebook and Internet? Really? Send me the link" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. A conversation with a friend was posted on Twitter on…
“Grocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to turnip the covers endive into bed”
A greengrocer joke was posted on the websites Pun of the Day and Twitter on December 17, 2010: "Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek,…
“Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living”
"Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living" is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The retirement saying has been cited in print since at…
“Old math teachers never die—they just become irrational”
"Old soldiers never die -- they just fade away” is an old saying that was popularized by General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964) in his farewell address to Congress on April 19, 1951. Many…
“Next week, I’m going on a diet. You can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate”
"Next week, I'm going on a diet. You can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. The saying was posted on Twitter on…
“You know you’re lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans”
"You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans" is a one-line saying about laziness that has been printed on many images. "You know you’re lazy when you get…
“My wife is leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all round the house. I can see where she’s coming from”
Many people put closed-circuit television around their homes. "My wifes threatened to leave me because I've installed cctv all over the house......I can see where she's coming from…
“If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet”
"If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If U still think Patience is a Virtue,…
“The judo club knows how to throw a party”
People get thrown in judo, and this has led to some "throw a party" jokes. "The GB Judo team are staying at the same hotel. They know how to 'throw' a party...hello...is…
“It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the express lane”
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane" is a jocular line that has been printed on several images.…
“In February, your daily rent is more expensive than in all other months”
February is the shortest month (28 or 29 days), so a flat monthly rate is most expensive (on average per day) in February. "Shortest month ever. Rent is more expensive in February" was…
“I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me two hours to finish my soup”
An old joke has it that someone went to a restaurant with a leaky roof -- and it took several hours to finish the soup. Another version is that the person went to an open-air restaurant, and that…
“Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled”
"Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled" is a saying that has been printed on several images. The bank saying was posted on Twitter by Cool Funny Quotes on…
“Toast is just twice-baked bread”
"Have we ever considered that toast is 'twice-baked' bread?" is a question that was published in a 2011 book. "Has anybody else ever realized that toast is just twice baked…
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status”
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status" -- a joke illustrating the importance of social media -- has been printed on several images. The usual…
“Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday”
"Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday" is a jocular work -- or non-work -- saying that has been printed on many images. "Yesterday I didn't…
“The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver”
In the Olympics, a gold medal is first place, a silver medal is second place, and a bronze medal is third place. Silver winners are often unhappy, and there are sayings such as "Second place…
“What frozen alcoholic beverage should you drink if you need to poop?”/“A Piña Colonic.”
"Piña colonic" (piña colada + colonic) is a jocular drink name. "Piña colonic," a mistake for "piña colada," was mentioned in the Cheech & Chong comedy film…
“The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television”
"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "The human race is faced with a cruel choice:…