“I’m not as think as you drunk I am”
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am" -- a drunk "spoonerism" version of "I'm not as drunk as you think I am" -- is a one-line saying that has been printed on…
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“Dogs run and they live 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live 150 years. Lesson learned”
"Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned" is a jocular anti-exercise saying that has…
“To eat is human; to drink wine, divine”
"To err is human; to forgive, divine" is from Alexander Pope's An Essay on Criticism (1711) . "To eat is human; to drink wine divine" is a food parody that was printed in…
“I drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I’m so steady I can’t move for months”
"I drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I can't move for months" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The joke has been cited since at least 1952,…
“This food is fit for a king, Here, King!”
An old joke has a husband eating a meal that was cooked by his wife. "This meal is fit for a king!" he tells his wife, then he calls the family dog. "Here, King! Come on, boy! Here,…
“Who are the world’s fastest readers?”/“9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.”
Jokes about the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on New York City's World Trade Center are numerous, although not politically correct. One popular riddle is: Q: Who are the world's…
“A Jewish fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school”
American Jewish families have valued education. Brooklyn-born comedian, actress and television host Joan Rivers (1933-2014) was quoted in a Washington (DC) Post profile on June 11, 1986: "When…
“Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche”
American humorist Lewis Grizzard (1946-1994) listed several "rules to follow when ordering in an unfamiliar restaurant" in his newspaper column on April 11, 1986. The first rule was:…
“I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime”
A joke about autocorrection is: "I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime." "Punchline" was changed to "lunchtime." The joke was posted on…
“What’s a chicken’s favorite game in the pool?”/“Marco Pollo.”
"Polo" is a game. "Pollo" is Spanish for "chicken." "Marco Polo" is a game played in a pool, and there are 'Marco Pollo" jokes. "The kids in…
“Never chase someone. Chase your dreams, then they will follow”
"Never chase someone. Chase your dreams, then they will follow" is a popular motivational saying. "Stop chasing people.. Chase your dreams & if it's meant to be they will…
“I can’t wait until I retire so I can get up early on a morning and drive around really slowly”
"I can't wait until I retire so I can get up early on a morning and drive around really slowly making everyone late for work" is a jocular saying about retirement. The saying was…
“A diet is what helps a person gain weight more slowly”
"A diet is something that helps a person gain weight more slowly.—Bill Copeland" is a jocular line about dieting that was printed in February 1976 newspapers. "A diet is what helps…
“To eat is human; to digest, divine”
"To err is human; to forgive, divine" is from Alexander Pope's An Essay on Criticism (1711) . "To eat is human; to digest, divine" is a food parody. "To eat is human.…
“I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn’t even eat it”
Is chicken salad made "of" a chicken or made "for" a chicken? A joke is: "I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it." The joke was posted on…
“Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes”
A jocular definition of an apple is: "APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes." The jocular definition was posted to the newsgroup bit.listserv.down-syn…
“He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front”
"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front" was said by American comedian Henny Youngman (1906-1998) about New York-born comedian and actor…
“My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, sushi left me”
"Sushi" sounds a little bit like "so she." A pun is: "My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, sushi left me." The joke was posted on Twitter on…
“I’VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS”
"I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS" is a jocular saying that has been printed -- sometimes all in capitals, sometimes not -- about various…
“The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them”
"The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them" is a jocular line about cooking. "The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen (says Franklin…