“First coffee, then we move on to today’s episode of ‘Now what?’”
"First coffee, then we move on to today's episode of 'Now what?'" (or "First coffee, then on to today's episode of 'Now what?'") is a jocular…
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“My friends say I’m a pessimist. But I think it’s far worse than that”
"My friends say I’m a pessimist. But I think it’s far worse than that...." is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Col on April 27, 2019. "My friend's say I'm a…
“Pledging allegiance to a flag is like reciting a love poem to a sock”
"Pledging allegiance to a flag is like reciting a love poem to a sock" is a saying that has been printed on several images. "Pledging allegiance to a flag is like reciting a love…
“My grandmother Eleanor gave me her seafood recipes, but nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella”
Salmonella (bacteria) has nothing to do with salmon (a fish) or anyone named Ella, but there are jokes. "I heard that Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. are buying out the Jewel Food Store…
“When people misspell ‘barely’ like ‘barley,’ they’re just going against the grain”
People often misspell "barely" and "barley." "I think my favorite typo is when people misspell 'barely' as 'barley'" was posted on Twitter by…
“If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where there isn’t any”
Many people believe that free speech is dangerous, but a lack of free speech is also dangerous. "RT @Hol"bornlolz: If you think Free Speech is 'dangerous': Try living somewhere…
“I think we need to stop calling it ‘working from home’ and start calling it ‘living at work’”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: 2019-20 coronavirus outbreakThe 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic is an ongoing global pandemic of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19), caused by severe acute…
“‘Why are you late?’ my teacher asked” (school joke)
A "Why were you late for school?" joke was posted on Twitter by mahmoud on January 20, 2017: Teacher: Why didn't you come school yesterday?my dad's in the hospital.*7days…
“Pretty weird how we are all living in a time where not going to the gym is considered healthy”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: 2019-20 coronavirus outbreakThe 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic is an ongoing global pandemic of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19), caused by severe acute…
“In a zombie apocalypse, vegans will be the first to be eaten because they’re organic”
Will vegans be eaten first in a zombie apocalypse? "I hope vegans are the first to be eaten when the zombie apocalypse happens" was posted on Twitter by Gus Fring on January 4, 2013.…
“What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?”/“Cool ranch!”
"Cool Ranch” Doritos tortilla chips contain ranch dressing, but not an actual ranch. A Doritos riddle about this is: Q: What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?A:…
“Every meal is a happy meal if you leave your kids at home”
McDonald's restaurants sell a "Happy Meal" (for children), but some adults have their own idea of a happy meal. "Every meal is a happy meal if you leave the kids at home"…
“When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook”
"When I was in the army I killed more men than anybody. I was the cook" is a classic joke. ' "When I was in the army I killed four hundred men. I was the cook" was printed…
“Polonaise is Polish mayonnaise”
"Polonaise" is a dance of Polish origin. Polonaise is not Polish mayonnaise, but there are jokes. "#punsr POLONAISE: Polish mayonnaise laced with polonium" was posted on Twitter…
“What do you call a cross-dressing bellhop?”/“A trans-porter.”
A "transporter" is not a "trans" porter, but there are jokes. "I really wanted The Transporter to be about a buff bellhop who time travels" was posted on Twitter by…
“What do you call a drunk blonde?”/“A taxi.”
"What do you call a drunk...?" appears to be the start of a joke. However, the answer is an anti-joke. The person is too drunk to get home, so you call a taxi or a Lyft (car service) or…
“These days you can’t even say ‘black paint’ any more” (NSFW joke)
A political correctness joke (probably NSFW) states that you cannot say "black paint." That is usually an adjective and a noun, but the joke has it as a noun and a verb. "Apparently…
“When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines”
"When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines" is a time travel joke that went viral on August 26, 2010. The joke was posted on Twitter this day by sickipediabot…
“First coffee, then on to today’s episode of ‘Now what?’”
"First coffee, then we move on to today's episode of 'Now what?'" (or "First coffee, then on to today's episode of 'Now what?'") is a jocular…
“I’m no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I’m changing the things I cannot accept”
The Serenity Prayer is: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." "If I'm not…