“2 ways to stay healthy: Drink plenty of water and mind your business”

“I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then idiots happen”

“I wake up with a good attitude every morning. Then idiots happen”

“Don’t forget to drink your water and mind your own business this week”

“Drink water & mind your business today”

“Drink water & mind your business”

“Drink water and mind your business”

“Drink water and mind your business today”

“Good morning. Don’t forget to drink water and mind your own business today”

“I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lackin’”

“Life is like a game of chess. I don’t know how to play chess”

“I don’t know how to play chess, but to me, life is like a game of chess”

“I had cheese, but no crackers. I was cracka-lacking”

“Accidentally just closed 32 tabs on my computer browser…”

“Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened…”

“Fairy tales used to start with ‘Once upon a time…’ Today, “According to experts…’”

“My birthstone is a block of cheese”

“When you settle for crumbs you will always be starving”

“When you settle for crumbs you end up starving”

“I’m a collector of empty bottles. That sounds better than alcoholic”

“I’m thinking about joining the cicadas this summer & screaming constantly”

“Might join the cicadas this summer & scream constantly”

“If everyone goes cashless, how do we tip strippers?”

“And today’s forecast… You gon’ have swamp ass”

“I remember when I was broke. I’m still broke that’s why I remember so well”

“How come married women are heavier than single women?” (joke)

“A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat…”

“Why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time”

“If Mondays were shoes, they’d be Crocs”

“If Monday were shoes, they’d be Crocs”

“Just tried some vegan mayo, it wasn’t bad. Made the chicken sandwich taste lovely”

“Tequila is a Spanish word meaning… ‘I don’t remember doing that’”

“Texan: A person who chooses a restaurant based on their chips and salsa”

“Texan (noun): A person who chooses restaurants based on their chips and salsa”

“Don’t judge a book by its cover, but always judge a Tex-Mex restaurant by their chips and salsa”

“You might be Texan if you base your restaurant decisions on its chips and salsa”

“You might be Texan if you base your restaurant decisions on its chips and salsa”

“Don’t judge a book by its cover, but always judge a Tex-Mex restaurant by their chips and salsa”

“Texan (noun): A person who chooses restaurants based on their chips and salsa”

“Texan: A person who chooses a restaurant based on their chips and salsa”

“Don’t forget to be an insufferable asshole today. You never know who’s having a good day…”

“Funny how all the people wanting socialism don’t really contribute much to society to begin with”

“Isn’t it funny that the people wanting socialism don’t really contribute much to society…”

“I don’t have a welcome mat at my house because I’m not a liar”

“I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar”

“We don’t have a welcome mat at our door because we’re not liars”

“We don’t have a welcome mat at the door because we’re not liars”

“I will never have a welcome mat at my house ‘cause I ain’t a liar”

“For once, I’d just like to spiral into control”

“This is not a scam. Inbox me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500”

“If astrology isn’t real, then why is every man born between January and December evil”

“If astrology isn’t real, then why is every woman born between January and December evil”

“If astrology isn’t real, then why is every girl born between January and December evil”

“Granola bars are edible particle boards”

“I overshare on social media to make up for never talking to anyone in real life”

“Real estate agents believe in doing good deeds”

“What do you call a town with a lot of benches?”/“A sitty.”

“A town with a lot of park benches is a sity”

“Anyone who ever worked at Twitter is now either an ex-employee or an X employee”

“I’ve been staying in a four-star hotel. It was ****”

“Coinciditis—Myocarditis that coincidentally only affects the vaccinated”

Coinciditis (coincidence + -itis)

“Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?”/“To get to the Dark Side.”

“Italians eat ham with melon, but flip out about pineapple on pizza”

“Free Yoga—kindly bend forward and pick up your dog’s poop”

“Italians eat prosciutto e melone, but draw the line at pineapple on pizza”

“Adult life may be difficult, but at least we don’t have to do P.E. anymore”

“Adult life might be full of pain and suffering, but at least we don’t have to do P.E. anymore”

“Adult life is hard, but at least we don’t have to do P.E anymore”

“People who don’t drink alcohol, why?”

“Us fat guys just want to get into your pantries”

“I need vitamin Cash”

“Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries”

“Whoever said money can’t buy you happiness has clearly never been bonded out of jail before”

“Whoever said money can’t buy you happiness has never been bonded out of jail before”

“Careful, girls, fat guys just want to get into your pantries”

“Careful ladies, fat guys just want to get in your pantries”

“The older I get, the more coffee I need to drag my sorry carcass around in the morning”

“I’m a bodybuilding mime. Some people say I’m the strong, silent type”

“Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All the colors taste the same”

“I live in the South ......  where lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers”

“Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers”

“What kind of school do surfers go to?”/“Boarding school.”

“*drinks water with lemon* This is going to fix everything”

“Mayo is just egg jam”

“If a meme is dank, a man is not only right to steal it, he is obligated to do so.-Thomas Jefferson”

“If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so”

“OnlyCoffee instead of OnlyFans. Just me flicking beans all day”

“If a meme is dank, a man is not only right to steal it, he is obligated to do so.—Alex. Hamilton”

“Mayonnaise is just egg jam”

“Didn’t mean to be rude, it’s just the heat and my personality”

“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Married, you can’t change channels”

“Forget about changing the world. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel”

“I’m gonna run for president & kill other candidates by natural disaster. I’ll win by a landslide”

“Homeschooled kids miss out on being a gay communist”

“A keg but for iced coffee”

“Hear me out: a keg but for iced coffee”

Big Apple (disco in Berlin, Germany. 1962-1979)

“Memes do a better job at reporting current events than the news does”

Big Apple (club in Munich, Germany, 1963-1975)