“Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time”

“Cottage cheese implies the existence of skyscraper cheese”

“There is a self depreciation course starting at my college next term. I’ve already put myself down”

“An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor, but not right away”

“Cottage cheese implies the existence of bungalow cheese”

“The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker”

“Cottage cheese implies the existence of mansion cheese”

“Cottage cheese implies the existence of cabin cheese”

“Cottage cheese implies the existence of other building themed cheeses”

“Cottage cheese implies shanty, apartment, condo & mansion cheese exist”

“They say a banana a day cleans your colon. Then I found out you’re meant to eat them”

“I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean. I just wish they’d told me…” (joke)

“There are two kinds of people in this world: People who love bacon, and liars”

“The best way to follow the science is to follow the silenced”

“The Washington monument looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton”

“There are two kinds of people: Bacon lovers and liars”

“Only the empire should have guns”

“Y’all ever notice that the Washington Monument looks absolutely NOTHING like George Washington??”

“There are two kinds of people: Bacon lovers and sad people”

“Follow the silenced”

“If you truly want to follow the science, then follow the silenced”

“Follow the science by following the silenced”

“If you want to follow the science, follow the silenced”

“Anarchists when they realize they have an organ called the “prostate’” (joke)

“Anarchists when they find out they have a prostate and not an antistate” (joke)

“Anarchists when they discover that they have a body part called the ‘prostate’”

“I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports. It was rated PG tips”

“I’ve just watched a film that was set around a tea plantation in India. It was rated PG”

“The following movie contains scenes of a cup of tea. It’s rated PG”

“WARNING: You’ve been identified as someone trying to make people think for themselves…” (FB)

“WARNING: You have been found in violation of a rule we hadn’t made up yet…” (Facebook)

“I came last in a karate competition yesterday. I was kicking myself!”

“I am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier”

“Post what you want. We can delete it in the morning.—Alcohol”

“Tweet what you want. We can delete it in the morning.—Alcohol”

“Natural gas—because windmills can’t grill burgers”

“Natural gas—because windmills can’t grill hot dogs”

“TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners”

“Property Taxes: Even after you pay off the mortgage, your home will never truly be yours”

“The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners”

“The fewer things politicians control, the less it matters who controls the politicians”

“The fewer things controlled by politicians, the less it matters who controls the politicians”

“Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?”

“Careful snowflake, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings”

“Where can I buy seeds to plant a beer garden?”

“We could take our kids to a restaurant tonight or cut out the middle man & just spill a drink…”

“Be careful, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings”

“I drink coffee stronger than your feelings”

“Careful, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings”

“Nobody but you should get to decide if taking a product with death listed as a side effect…”

“Where do I get seeds to start my own beer garden?”/“The Burpee catalog, of course.”

“Social Justice Warrior implies the existence of Social Justice Wizard and Social Justice Rogue”

“OnlyFans implies the existence of OnlyFoes”

“OnlyFans implies the existence of OnlyCritics”

“How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?”/“Only one, but it takes nine visits”

“OnlyFans implies the existence of OnlyHaters”

“How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“Just one, but it takes twelve visits.”

“My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s”

“Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it’s what it’s”

“My wife made some bread from a North African recipe book…” (“old thyme Moroccan roll” joke)

“Social Justice Warrior implies the existence of Social Justice Mage and Social Justice Rogue”

“Twitter just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless”

“Twitter just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless”

“Facebook removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless”

“Twitter removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless”

“Facebook removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless”

“While my wife was asleep, I wrote algebraic terms on her. You should have seen the expression…”

“I just totally misunderstood the meaning of ‘Strip Mall’ & could one of you guys send bail money?”

“I misunderstood the meaning of ‘strip mall’ and now I’m not allowed back”

“I filled up my tank with petrol this morning. Now, all my goldfish are dead”

“Twitter removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless”

“So apparently they said frittatas, not free tatas. I’m banned from Golden Corral’s breakfast”

“Medical error is one of the leading causes of death. You better be doing your own research”

“Frittatas are so much better than expensive tatas”

“Frittatas imply the existence of expensivetatas”

“I asked my wife to act like a ‘naughty school girl.’ She forged a note from her mother…”

“My husband asked me to act like a ‘naughty school girl’ for him so I forged a note from my mother”

“Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It poops on the floor”

“Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor”

“Bought a chicken to make sandwiches, but it just runs around the chicken clucking”

“Facebook just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless”

“Facebook just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless”

International Fake Station (International Space Station or ISS nickname)

“I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeled good”

“I just blocked someone on my page for correcting my grammar and it feeleded good”

“Teach a man to garden, and the whole neighborhood gets tomatoes”

“What does a dyslexic racist hate the most?”/“Gingers.”

“I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it felt good”

“Dyslexic racists hate gingers”

“I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good”

“Teach a women to garden, and the whole neighborhood gets zucchini”

“Someone called the Kentucky Derby ‘Amish Nascar’ and my day hasn’t been the same”

“Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does dumplings”

“Vegetable has 9 letters in it, but then again, so does meatballs”

“The best house wine is on the house”

“Restaurant toilets are so dangerous! So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!”

“House wine should be on the house”

“My dad always said that it was rude to point. Great dad, terrible bricklayer”

“Life is beautiful. It’s the system that’s ugly”

“Politics is the art of making your selfish desires seem like the national interest”