“Defund the politicians”

“We are not far right, just right so far. We wish we were wrong”

“I literally wrote a book to warn you guys about this.—Ayn Rand”

“The best way to stop the next pandemic is to arrest the people who started the first one”

“What do you call cheese that accidentally escapes the International Space Station?”/“Space De Brie”

“If people cannot be trusted to govern themselves, how can they be trusted to govern other people?”

“It is time for many people to be arrested suddenly”

“If people can’t be trusted to govern themselves, how can they be trusted to govern others?”

“If you can’t trust people to govern themselves, how can you trust them to govern others?”

“It’s not a bailout unless it comes from the Baile region of France…”

“Not far right. Just right so far”

“I’m not far right. I’m just right so far”

“My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I told her it was the Decepticons…”

“Watching people cling to the 2-party system is like witnessing the victim of a toxic relationship”

“School and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes”

“Apparently, the clocks go back in November. I can’t remember where I got mine from!”

“Why is it so hard to insult a communist?”/“They never take things personally.”

“I’m allergic to writing about fencing, so I’ll have to use my épée pen”

“My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house. I told her: fear of CIA. She laughed…”

“Daylight didn’t ask to be saved. Daylight didn’t want to be saved”

“What if daylight didn’t want to be saved?”

“What if the daylight didn’t want to be saved?”

“Preheat minutes are longer than regular minutes”

“Oven preheat minutes are longer than microwave minutes”

“Thieves who stole 3 tons of tarmac have been hiding. Police are hoping they will resurface soon”

“I wear my T-shirt to bed because my coffee shirt keeps me awake”

“Hey, don’t call me a cynic but I’m starting to think these blood drinking, moloch worshipping..

“Kindness is like coffee. It awakens your spirit and improves your day. Fill your cup with both”

“Digital ID & Digital Currency is a prison for every man, woman & child upon the earth”

The Most Jewish Place on Earth (Brooklyn)

“Anti-science is reading a notice on a mask box that it doesn’t protect against viruses…”

The Most Jewish Spot on Earth (Brooklyn)

“Kindness not only says good morning. Kindness makes the coffee”

“There is no plan to fix anything because the plan was to destroy everything”

“A virus didn’t change our lives. A tyrannical government did”

“At no point in history have the people forcing others into compliance been the good guys”

“It was supposed to be a battle against the pandemic to protect the people…”

“It’s spring. Don’t forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on…”

“Winter is coming. Don’t forget to reverse your battery so the heat comes on…”

“I’m not Irish, but my coffee is”

“I’m not Irish, but my coffee might be”

“It’s spring. Don’t forget to reverse your battery cables so the air conditioner comes on…”

“A deaf guy walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Whoever said the onion is the only vegetable that makes ya cry has never wiped with a corn cob”

“Food is a weapon. Don’t waste it! Buy wisely. Cook carefully. Eat it all”

“Buy wisely. Cook carefully”

“Winter is coming. Don’t forget to reverse your battery so the heat comes on…”

“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love whiskey and bad decisions”

“I’m respectfully devoting the day after St. Patrick’s Day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear”

“I’m respectfully devoting the day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear” (St. Patrick’s Day)

“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love fun”

“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love beer”

“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love beer and bad decisions”

“May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always…”

“St. Patrick’s Day is like Valentine’s Day for people who love Jameson and bad decisions”

“May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home…” (Irish blessing)

“The people who told you everything was fine because they were in control will shift to saying…”

“May your kilt be short enough to dance a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms”

“I was told there would be no math”

“Your kilt should be short enough for dancing a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms”

“Make sure your kilt is short enough to do a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms”

“St. Patrick’s Day puns don’t just shame you. They Seamus all”

“It was my understanding that there would be no math”

“Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick’s Day don’t just shame you. They Seamus all”

“Bad puns on St. Patrick’s Day don’t just shame you. They Seamus all”

“I wish drinking green beer wasn’t the closest you’ll come to eating a vegetable”

“Drinking green beer is the closest I’ll come to eating a vegetable all year”

“Socialists are the flat earthers of politics”

“Socialists are the flat earthers of the economy”

“Socialism is the flat earth of economics”

“If you’re confused about gender, try milking a bull. You’ll learn real quick”

“If you are still confused about gender, try milking a bull. That might kick start your thinking”

“I’m not racist. I hate white liberals more than anybody”

“If you’re confused about gender, try milking a bull. That just might kick start your thinking”

“If we become less white who’s gonna play that funky music?”

“Socialists are the flat earthers of economics”

“If you’re still confused about gender, try milking a bull and you’ll learn real quick”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Bourdon”

“If you really want to get off carbs, start referring to ‘baked goods’ as ‘baked bads’”

“The only way for baked evils to triumph is for baked goods to not be eaten”

“Make our guns illegal and we’ll just call them undocumented”

“Coffee—A tasty cup of caffeinated sanity in an uncertain world”

“We Love NYC” or “We Love New York City” (“We *heart* NYC”)

“This is what happens when you don’t click your tongs twice before grilling”

“Coffee isn’t just a beverage. It’s a tasty cup of caffeinated sanity in an uncertain world”

“Don’t call me a ‘Conspiracy Theorist’. I prefer a ‘Connect the dots Specialist’”

“How it feels to click the tongs twice before you start grilling” (“I have the power!”)

“Pressing the key fob once locks the car. Pressing it like eight or nine times SUPER locks it”

“Why is it spelled ‘camouflage’ and not”

“Instead of ‘Conspiracy Theorist’, I prefer the name ‘Connect The Dots Specialist’”

“When there’s no baseball, I stare out the window and wait for spring”

“GMO GTFO!”

“Why is it called ‘camouflage’ and not”

“Instead of conspiracy theorist, I prefer to be called a connect the dots specialist”

“Let’s reduce drunk driving by taking cars away from sober drivers”

“When the Berlin Wall fell, which side did the people run to?”

“You are being conditioned to give up your rights every time there’s a crisis”

“If the government cannot protect the vote, the border or its citizens, then why do we have one?”

“My guns won’t be illegal. They will be ‘undocumented’”

“I like my guns like Democrats like their voters: undocumented”