“I love that the mainstream media position is ‘yes the CIA did bad things in the 50s, 60s…’”

“Guys who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don’t know what to do with them in the bedroom”

“People who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don’t know what to do with them in the bed”

“I prefer my guns the way Democrats prefer their voters: undocumented and untraceable”

“Using cash is like telling the government what you buy is none of their fucking business”

“Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don’t know what to do with them in the bedroom”

“You don’t have a valentine for Valentine’s Day? I don’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day”

“You gotta bake a lot of baked bads before you bake any baked goods”

“If I had super powers, I would only use them for baked goods and never for baked evils”

“If you burn your baked goods, do they become baked bads?”

“If you don’t realize that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then…”

“If you haven’t realized that humanity is being systematically dumbed down, then…”

“Please stop making new flavors of Coca-cola. Either put the cocaine back or leave it alone”

“Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has food”

“Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has coffee”

“If you don’t know that Americans are being systematically dumbed down, then…”

“Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. The kitchen has bacon”

“New Rule: You’re not allowed to work longer than the number of hours you slept the night before”

“If you don’t know that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then…”

Baked Bads (opposite of “baked goods”)

“Baked goods imply the existence of baked bads”

Baked Evils (opposite of “baked goods”)

“Silly straws imply the existence of serious straws”

“Baked goods implies the existence of baked bads”

“Baked goods implies the existence of baked evils”

“Baked goods imply the existence of baked evils”

“Silly straws should just be called ‘straws’ and normal straws should be called ‘serious straws’”

“Silly Straws implies the existence of Straws That Have Had Just About Enough Of Your Shit”

“A grown up silly straw is called a serious straw”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Mimosa”

“Mafia: Same thing as government, without all the pretense”

“The mob is just like the government, without the pretense”

“Why do we live in a culture where everyone is expected to have an opinion on everything?”

“They’re not illegal firearms. They’re just undocumented firearms trying to live in sanctuary homes”

“I don’t call them illegal firearms. They’re undocumented protection devices and I keep them…”

“An aspect of democracy is the belief that everyone is expected to have an opinion on everything”

“Libertarians: Against wars of aggression no matter who is president”

“Forever (n): The period of time it takes for the coffee to brew”

“Don’t call them illegal firearms. Call them undocumented weapons and let them live…”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Scotch”

“Teachers: Just log into Zablezoot, scroll down to the Zorkle app…”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Prosecco”

“If laziness was on the Olympic games, I would rank 4th so I wouldn’t have to climb the winners’...”

“I will be back on my feet once the coffee reaches life supporting levels”

“I’ll be back on my feet once the coffee reaches life supporting levels”

“If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in 4th so that I wouldn’t need to walk up…”

“If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would be fourth so I wouldn’t have to step up on the podium”

“If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come 4th, so I didn’t have to walk up to the podium”

“I will be back on my feet just as soon as the coffee reaches life supporting levels”

“If taxation wasn’t theft, IRS agents wouldn’t need guns”

“I was thinking about going to the Metropolitan Opera, but I am Met-averse”

“If taxes weren’t theft, the IRS wouldn’t need guns”

“Waiter: Any intolerances? Diner: People who don’t signal properly on roundabouts.”

“Recipe said to ‘Chill in the fridge for two hours.’ I nearly died”

“Why won’t Facebook sponsor the Metropolitan Museum of Art?”/“Because it’s Met-averse.”

“Who’s Scott Fitzgerald and why did they tell us to fuck him in high school”

“It’s ok to mix peas and corn, but don’t call it ‘porn’”

“I like my guns like I like my immigrants: undocumented”

“Who is Scott Fitzgerald, and why is everyone so rude about him?”

“The duration of a mass shooting is determined by the proximity of a second gun”

“The duration of a mass shooting is dependent upon the proximity of a second gun”

“The duration of a mass shooting depends entirely on the proximity of a second gun”

“Nothing gets a mass shooter off the news faster than finding out they’re a Democrat”

“Nothing gets a mass shooter off the news faster than finding out he/she/they/them is a Democrat”

“Nothing gets a mass shooter off the news faster than finding out he’s a Democrat”

“The F in communism stands for food”

“Why do your kids go to school in gun-free zones, but Congress goes to work with armed guards?”

“Why does Congress goes to work with armed security, but your kids go to school in gun-free zones?”

“What do you do for a living?”/“My best. I do my best.”

“What do you call a New Yorker who’s always complaining?”/“A New Yorker.”

“Waitress: Any intolerances? Diner: Well, I can be a bit racist.”

“What do you call a New Yorker who hates the Metropolitan Museum of Art?”/“Metaverse.”

“What do you call a curd that’s been asked a lot of questions?”/“A grilled cheese.”

“What do you call interrogated gouda?”/“Grilled cheese.”

“A beaver walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Grilled cheese sandwiches are just cheese sandwiches that have been interrogated”

“Why do Americans fish with a gun?”/“So they get the whole school.”

“What do you call a Sergal being investigated?”/“Grilled cheese.”

“What kind of cheese has been interrogated?”/“Grilled cheese.”

“How to approach me with your bullshit: don’t”

“Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I’m from”

“Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I am from”

“Do you ever wanna lose weight, but weight doesn’t wanna lose you?!”

“I wanna be nice, but then people happen”

“Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I live”

“Red Bull gives you wings. Vodka gives you 4x4”

“It’s almost time to put away my black winter clothes and bring out my black spring clothes”

“Muffins are for people who don’t have the balls to eat cake for breakfast”

“White Privilege: The ability to suffer life’s universal indignities without blaming another…”

Conspiracy Theorist Starter Pack (a brain)

“Willingly Overlooking Known Evil” (“woke” backronym)

“White Privilege: The ability to suffer whatever life throws at you without blaming another…”

“What is a skeleton’s favorite form of measurement?”/“Graveyards!”

“Tell someone you love them today. Tomorrow is not promised”

“It’s almost time to put away my black summer clothes and bring out my black fall clothes”

“I went to a Roman bathroom on the 6th floor. Yes, it was the VI P room”

“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed… Tell someone you don’t like to fuck off today”

“White privilege is the ability to suffer through whatever life throws at you without blaming…”

“Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill in New York”