“Let’s be honest. Most people going skinny dipping are really just going dipping”

“I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone who doesn’t even play it”

“Those who need leaders are not qualified to choose them”

“Let’s make one thing clear, ‘the experts’ were never wrong. They were always lying. Big difference”

Evilarchy (evil + oligarchy)

“I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys lotto tickets”

“Don’t ask me why I’m vegan. Ask yourself why you’re not”

“I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don’t buy lottery tickets”

“Don’t ask me why I’m a vegetarian. Ask yourself why you’re not”

“My son said he was smart so I asked him to spell it…” (joke)

“Why did the Nazi win the race?”/“He was the fascist.”

“How did Mussolini win the race?”/“He was the fascist.”

“I made some synonym rolls. They’re tasty, delicious, mouthwatering, delectable”

“I made some synonym rolls. They all came out looking different, but they taste the same”

“The problem with democracy is that those who need leaders are not qualified to choose them”

“Oyster crackers are like animal crackers of the sea”

“Oyster crackers are the worst of all the animal crackers”

“Order synonym rolls. They have fewer calories than cinnamon rolls and taste the same”

“Oyster crackers are technically animal crackers”

“Criminals obey gun laws like politicians obey their oaths of office”

“Criminals obey gun laws like politicians obey their oath of offfice”

The Year the Big Apple Went Bust (book by Fred Ferretti, 1976)

“The center of a Bundt cake is the Bundt hole”

“Your call is important to us. But not important enough for us to employ staff to answer it”

Bundthole or Bundt hole (the hole in a Bundt cake)

“The middle of a bundt cake is a bundthole”

“If NASA really wants to find water on Mars, they should just send me there to hit a golf ball”

“It’s called a Bundt cake because it has a Bundt hole”

“Those who demand you declare your pronouns to make others feel comfortable…”

“Criminals obey gun laws like politicians follow their oath of office”

“Criminals obey gun laws like politicians follow their oaths of office”

“Criminals obey gun laws like politicians keep promises”

“Criminals obey ‘gun control’ laws in the same manner politicians follow their oaths of office”

“Hi, I’d like to buy a cookie with chocolate chips.”/ “Sorry, we only accept cash.”

Indianappleis & “Move over New York. Apple is our middle name” (Indianapolis, Indiana)

“Name a product that blames its failure on those who don’t use it”

“What do you call a traveling salesman riding a bicycle?”/“A pedaler.”

“I support the fair tax. 0% is fair. Anything above that is stealing”

“Name a product that blames its failure on those who didn’t use it”

Buffalo: Bomber Sandwich

Buffalo: Chicken Wings or Buffalo Wings

Mumbo Sauce

Mambo Sauce

Mombo Sauce

“Our coffee is an experience that chalk is unable to convey” (chalkboard sign)

“Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends, but…”

“The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides”

“Before there was Auto-Tune, there was talent”

“Landlord: Your income needs to be 3x rent. Me: Can you tell my boss that?”

“If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth and see who sticks around. Those are yours”

“Before serving your country, first learn who your government is serving”

“War is greedy old men sending naive young boys to kill innocent children”

“Conspiracy Theorist: A person who researches a subject and then uses logic…”

“Did you hear about the guy who evaporated? He’ll be mist!”

“Did you hear about the man who evaporated? He will be mist”

“Democrats will give you the shirt off my back”

“A Democrat will give you the shirt off my back”

“An Apple fan walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Stop saying candy corn is the worst candy. Don’t forget that black licorice exists”

“Life happens. Tea helps”

“Unless you put the word beer in front of it, don’t ask me if I want to go for a run”

“Life happens. Alcohol helps”

“Good morning. Today’s Saturday and I like to be what I call ‘comfortably caffeinated’”

“I was led to believe adulthood would involve more cocktail sipping and less everything sucking”

“We reject the belief that we must be defenseless in order for you to feel safe”

“95% of electric vehicles are still on the road. The remaining 5% made it all the way home”

“I like to be what I call ‘comfortably caffeinated.’ That’s means I’ve got coffee and maybe pants”

“I reject the belief that I must be defenseless in order for you to feel safe”

“Unless you put the word beer in front of it, don’t ask me if I want to go for a run”

“Life happens. Whiskey helps”

“Life happens. Chocolate helps”

“Life happens. Whisky helps”

“Botox is a performance-enhancing drug for poker players”

“Life happens. Wine helps”

“Life happens. Tequila helps”

“If the internet had a boat, where would they park it?”/“Google Docs.”

“Life happens. Beer helps”

“Life happens. Vodka helps”

“If you have coffee with it, it counts as breakfast”

“Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took 2 people to carry $10 worth of groceries”

“I squint at the sun because it’s bright. I squint at people because they aren’t”

“We squint at the sun because it’s bright. We squint at people because they’re not”

“I squint at the sun because it’s bright. I squint at people because they’re not”

“Americans are getting stronger. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry $100 in groceries”

“We squint at the sun because it’s bright. We squint at people because they aren’t”

“I don’t like math puns. But I will make one if I half two”

“Life happens. Gin helps”

“Most people wearing the Che Guevara shirt would have been killed by Che Guevara”

“Only a matter of time before my electric bill asks me to select a tip amount”

“We squint at the sun because it is bright. We squint at people because they are not”

“I squint at the sun because it is bright. I squint at people because they are not”

“When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a bastard”

“Study finds that hearing an opposing viewpoint causes no harm at all”

“When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a bitch”

“When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk miles to call me a cunt”

“Not to brag, but I’m really good at drinking wine”

“Not to brag, but I’m really good at wine”

“When I was a kid, there was no Internet. So people would walk miles to call me an asshole”

“Happiness is not having to set your alarm for the next day”

“What language do the Vatican police speak?”/“Pig Latin.”