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March 11, 2018
Food/Drink

“If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink wine, you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends”

"If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends" is a wine saying that has been printed on many images. “If you have to ask…

June 30, 2009
Banking/Finance/Insurance

“If you have to ask, then you probably can’t afford it” (J. P. Morgan?)

"If you have to ask, you (probably) can't afford it" is a saying used to describe purchases of expensive products, such as homes, cars and jewelry. Financier J. P. Morgan (1837-1913)…

January 3, 2025
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“If you have to buy stuff to store your stuff, you might have too much stuff”

"If you have to buy stuff to store your stuff, you might have too much stuff" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying is from Courtney Carver of the website…

June 23, 2021
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you have to pay a fee to keep your property, you don’t own it”

Some people believe that if you have to pay property tax (and government can take your property for non-payment of this tax), then you really don't own the property. "If you have to pay a…

September 28, 2018
Music/Dance/Theatre/Film/Circus

“If you have to purchase a VIP ticket for an event, you probably aren’t an actual VIP”

Many events sell more expensive "VIP" (very important person) tickets. The tickets might offer advantages such as better seating or a pass backstage. An observation was posted on Reddit…

June 22, 2014
Sports/Games

“If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer—he isn’t”

"If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer -- he isn't" is a popular rule of thumb in voting a player into the Hall of Fame. A Hall of Fame player must be…

January 26, 2011
Radio/Television

“If you haven’t been fired at least once, you haven’t worked in radio”

"If you haven't been fired, you haven't been in radio long enough" has been cited in print since at least 1982. Radio and television broadcasting are driven by ratings. Format…

March 23, 2023
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you haven’t realized that humanity is being systematically dumbed down, then…”

"If you don't know that the human population is being systematically dumbed down, then you may have been systematically dumbed down" is a saying that has been printed on many images.…

August 2, 2020
Food/Drink

“If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance”

Many people gain weight as they grow older -- and they do not have to be told this. "If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance" is…

June 6, 2010
Food/Drink

“If you hear an onion ring, answer it”

"If you hear an onion ring, answer it" (or "If an onion rings, answer it") is a nonsense saying. "IF AN ONION RINGS ANSWER IT" was printed in the St. Louis (MO)…

March 25, 2010
Banking/Finance/Insurance

“If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling”

James Dines, editor of The Dines Letter (online investment advice), said in 1983: "If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling." The investment saying has…

November 2, 2022
Work/Businesses

“If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone”

"If you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If you’ve heard anything bad about me,…

July 27, 2021
Food/Drink

“If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab”

"If you hold a crab up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a crab" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. The usual saying is that if you…

June 22, 2020
Food/Drink

“If you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend”

"If you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If you listen really carefully when you hold a beer can…

June 22, 2020
Food/Drink

“If you hold a glass of wine to your ear, you can hear the weekend”

"If you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If you listen really carefully when you hold a beer can…

June 22, 2020
Food/Drink

“If you hold a Margarita glass to your ear, you can hear the weekend”

"If you hold a glass of beer to your ear, you can hear the weekend" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If you listen really carefully when you hold a beer can…

April 18, 2024
Transportation

“If you honk at me, I will cry” (bumper sticker)

"Please don't honk at me. I'll cry" (also "If you honk at me, I will cry" and "Please don't honk at me. I'm probably already crying") is a bumper…

September 15, 2012
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs

“If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?”

"If you run/jog backwards, will you gain weight?" is a jocular question that has been included on many lists on one-line sayings. "If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?"…

August 13, 2012
Work/Businesses

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will believe that it is stupid”

A popular quote, attributed to German-born physicist Albert Einstein (1879-1955), is: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole…

June 1, 2023
Transportation

“If you keep a baseball bat in your car, also keep a glove. Your lawyer will thank you”

"If you keep a baseball bat in your car, also keep a glove. Your lawyer will thank you" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Many people have a baseball bat in their…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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