“If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911”
"If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If I die at the gym please put more weight on the bar…
“If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work”
"If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore" is an anti-work saying that has been printed on may images. "If I died and went…
“If I don’t find a pot of gold today, I’ll settle for a pot of coffee”
"If I don't find a pot of gold today, I'll settle for a pot of coffee" is a saying for St. Patrick's Day (March 17th). The saying has been printed on an image. "If I…
“If I donate my urine, is that an act of philanthropee?”
"Philanthropy" has nothing to do with "pee," but there are jokes. "Philanthropee: Public urination" was posted on Twitter by Bae-anca on May 8, 2013. "If I donate…
“If I drink alcohol, I’m an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?”
"If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?" is a jocular statement that has printed on many posters. The saying became popularized in April 2012.…
“If I eat a Dum Dum and a roll of Smarties, will they cancel each other out?”
There are candies and sweets with names such as "Smarties" and "Dum Dums" and "AirHeads" and "Nerds." Do they cancel each other out? "Bought a bunch of…
“If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria—powerhouse of the cell”
Mitochondrion ("mitochondria" is the plural) is known as the powerhouse of the cell. There have been several jokes about "prison" cells. "If I ever go to jail I'm gna…
“If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die”
"If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die" is a jocular statement made by an out-of-shape person that has been printed on many gift items, such as T-shirts, hats and…
“If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican’s heart—it’s never been used” (joke)
An old political joke told by Democrats such as Lyndon Johnson, Walter Mondale and Ted Kennedy has a person needing a heart transplant being offered three different hearts -- the heart of someone…
“If I ever win the lottery, nobody around me will be poor. I will move to a rich neighborhood”
Some lottery winners share their riches, and some don't. A joke was posted on Sickipedia on September 20, 2021: "If I ever win the lottery, rest assured, nobody around me will be poor. I…
“If I get pushed in a pool this summer I’m not swimming back up, enjoy your murder charge. Now everybody’s summer ruined”
At a pool, young adults often throw others into the pool. It is usually meant to be harmless fun. "If i get pushed in a pool this summer I’m not swimming back up, enjoy ya murder charge…
“If I go missing, put my photo on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me”
Missing persons’ pictures have been on milk cartons since the disappearance of Etan Patz in Manhattan in 1979. "If I go missing, put my photo on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look…
“If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity. Then I’ll have $999,999.75”
A joke about the meaning of "a quarter" has been printed on several images. The joke originated on the Sickipedia website and was posted on Twitter on November 7, 2011: "I won $2…
“If I had a DeLorean, I’d probably only drive it from time to time”
The DeLorean motor vehicle was used as a time machine in the three 1980s
“If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…does money even matter?”
"If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had, does money really even matter?" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by CM Cuck@TimRossComedy on November 27, 2012.…
“If I had a dollar for every gender, I’d have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits”
How many genders are there? If you had a dollar for every gender, how many dollars would you have? "If I had a dollar for every gender there was, I'd have 2 dollars" was posted on…
“If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…” (joke)
"If I had a dollar for every time i didn't know what was going on, I'd be a millionaire" was posted on Twitter by Neale Gilbert on February 21, 2011. This is a typical answer…
“If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I’d wonder who was paying me and why”
"If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "If I had a dollar for…
“If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you”
"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "If I had a penny for…
“If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive, I would be attractive”
A saying about the attractiveness of money is: "If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive to women, I'd be attractive to women." "If I had a dollar for…