“I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke”
The sum of $1,000 is a "grand." There is a "dad joke" -- or rather a "grand dad joke" -- about this. "I was paid $1000 for this joke. It was a grand dad…
“I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys lotto tickets”
"I think about winning the lottery way too much for someone that don't buy lottery tickets" and "I fantasize about winning the lottery way too much for someone who never buys…
“I found a hat with $17.50 in it. A guy was too busy juggling to pick it up”
Many public performers leave a hat (to collect donations) on the ground. A joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on May 17, 2018: "I found a hat with £17.50 in it. I thought this other lad was…
“I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’” (joke)
A drinking joke has been printed on several images: "I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So i turned it into wine." "Today I…
“I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!”
"I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker is happy not to be bothered again about…
“I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars”
A money joke was told by The Unknown Comic (Murray Langston) on television's The Gong Show (1976-1980): "I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars." The…
“I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money”
"Monopoly money" (from the board game Monopoly
“I grew up surrounded by poverty—my maid was poor, my butler was poor ...” (joke)
An old joke describes a rich person who claims to have grown up surrounded by poverty -- the maid was poor, the butler was poor, the chauffeur was poor and the gardener was poor. The joke dates to…
“I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn’t wanna catch the Kronervirus”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic has nothing to do with the Danish krone, Icelandic króna, Norwegian krone or Swedish krona, but there are jokes. "Maybe it was Norwegian #KronaVirus"…
“I hate it when cashiers check to see if my money is fake” (joke)
Cashiers often check to see if money is fake. "I hate it when cashiers check to see if my money is fake. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar General/Dollar…
“I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst”
"I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst" is a jocular one-line saying about debt collection. The saying was posted on Twitter on May 26, 2014.…
“I have a lovely gold watch—a family heirloom. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me”
Woody Allen performed this joke in his early 1960s standup act, and it was printed in Parade magazine on December 21, 1963: "I have a lovely gold watch -- a family heirloom. My grandfather, on…
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Jackie MasonJackie Mason (born June 9, 1931) is an American stand-up comedian and film and television actor. He is ranked #63 on Comedy Central's 100…
“I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself”
"I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. The paycheck joke started with jokes about…
“I just bought a new television remote control with fifty buttons. I was quite surprised they allowed me to pay with buttons”
"I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons" was posted on X/Twitter by Crap Jokes on July 8, 2015. The first line of the joke…
“I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons”
"I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons" was posted on X/Twitter by Crap Jokes on July 8, 2015. The first line of the joke…
“I just donated $100 to a blind children’s charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it”
Many charities have high overhead, and the donated money doesn't reach the purpose of the charity. A joke was posted on Twitter by Sickipedia on January 3, 2012: "I just donated a…
“I just need a snow cone and $47 million”
Snow cones aren't essentially to the diet, but kids often demand them, especially in hot weather. "Bball, swimming pool, and sun. I just need a snowcone" was posted on X/Twitter by…
“I just want to have enough money that I don’t slow down to look at furniture left on the curb”
Many people leave unwanted items by the side of the road, hoping someone will take them. "I just want to have enough money that I don’t slow down to look at furniture left on the curb"…
“I just wish I could save my money the way I be saving my grocery bags”
Many people can't seem to save money, but they do manage to save grocery bags -- often, lots of grocery bags. "😩 I just wish I could save my money the way I be saving my grocery bags..…