“If you’re going to shoot the king, don’t miss”
Niccolò Machiavelli (1469-1527) wrote in The Prince (1505 in Italian, 1513 in English) what has been translated as "Never do an enemy a small injury." If one is striking out at an…
Big Nipple (Los Angeles nickname)
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you” (theatre adage)
Playwright George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) is credited with saying, "If you are going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you." Shaw…
“If you’re gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!”
Knockwurst has nothing to do with knocking on a door, but there are jokes. "If you're gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!" (meaning…
“If you’re gonna hit my car, make sure you kill me” (bumper sticker)
"If you're gonna hit my car, make sure you kill me" is a bumper sticker saying that has been printed on many images. Reddit -- Funny Albuyeh -- February 22, 2024 A bumper sticker has…
“If you’re good enough, you’re old enough” (sports adage)
How old should one be to play professional sports? The saying is "if you're good enough, you're old enough." When Major League Soccer's D.C. United signed 14-year-old…
“If you’re having a bad day, an important thing to remember is that no one cares”
"If you're having a bad day, an important thing to remember is that no one cares" is a jocular saying that has been printed on an image. "No one cares if I’m having a bad day.…
“If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people”
"If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people" is a saying that has been printed on several images. That is, most people avoid thinking. "If…
“If you’re having trouble understanding fractions, don’t worry, our helpline is open 24/7”
"The Improper Fractions Helpline is now open 24/7" is a math joke that has been printed on coffee mugs. "My top-heavy fractions helpline is now open 24/7" was posted on Twitter…
“If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue”
A joke about yodeling was posted on Twitter by MꙬse Allain on April 18, 2016: "If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly queue (orderly orderly orderly…
“If you’re homeschooled, all your work is homework”
Many people are schooled at home. "Since I am home schooled all my work is homework" was posted on Twitter on February 12, 2009. "Being home schooled all work is homework. *lame…
“If you’re in a cold room, stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees”
"If you're in a cold room, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees" is a geometry joke that has been printed on many images. "Why do Aggies/blondes stand in the corner when…
“If you’re in a fair fight, you didn’t plan it properly”
"If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck" and ""If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly" are sayings that have been…
“If you’re in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue. They’re always looking for people”
"Search and recuse" is always "looking for people" -- not always to hire, but there are jokes. "Job Hunters Alert! Check out Local Search and Rescue! I hear they are always…
“If you’re interested in both red and green curries, does that make you bicurryous?”
Someone is "bi-curious" if that person is curious about becoming bisexual. "Bicurryous" is a jocular term for a person who likes several curries. "I love trying new kinds…
“If you’re looking for a husband, Tinder is the place to be! All kinds of husbands are on there…”
Tinder is an online dating and geosocial networking application. Many women go on Tinder to look for a husband, only to find out that many of the men on Tinder are already married. "If…
“If you’re looking for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it”
"If you're looking/waiting for a sign that you should have a glass of wine, this is it" is a jocular drinking saying that has been printed on many images, especially bar and…
“If you’re looking for a sign to drink tonight, this is it”
"If you're looking for a sign to drink tonight, this is it" is a jocular drinking saying that has been printed on many images, especially bar and restaurant signs. "If…
“If you’re looking for morals in politics, you’re looking for bananas in the cheese department”
American actor, comedian and radio host Harry Shearer has been credited since 2008 for a political saying: "Democrats always like to brag that their guys are smarter than the opponents and…
“If you’re looking, you’re not cooking” (“If you’re lookin’, you ain’t cookin’”)
"If/when you're looking, you're not cooking" (or "If/when you're lookin', you ain't cookin'") is a barbecue rule not to constantly look under the…
“If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough”
"If you're lucky enough to be Irish, then you're lucky enough" is a popular St. Patrick's Day saying that has been printed on many images. The saying has been cited in…