“I met my wife on Tinder. That was awkward”
Tinder is an American online dating website. "I met my wife on Tinder" could mean success -- the person's Tinder date resulted in a marriage. However, the line is used as a joke,…
Food/Drink
“I met someone else who urinates on fruit. We’re going to go on a date”
"Go on a date" doesn't mean to "go" (urinate) on a "date" (fruit), but there have been several puns. "Let's go on a date! I love urinating on fruit,…
“I might not be pretty, but I fuck like the government”
"I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the government" (or "I may be ugly, but I fuck like the government") is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I may…
“I might sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and pretend I’m in a hotel” (quarantine joke)
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic forced many people to stay at home. "Might Stay In The Spare Bedroom Tonight And Pretend I'm In A Hotel..." was posted on Facebook by Daniel…
“I might wake up early and go running…” (joke)
"I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same" is a jocular line about running -- or not running -- that has been printed on…
“I miss being able to raw dog oxygen”
"Raw dog" usually means sexual intercourse without a condom. The 2020 COVID-19 (coronavirus) pandemic resulted in requirements to wear face masks, and "raw dog oxygen" (or…
“I miss my wife’s cooking—as often as I can”
"I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can" is a popular joke of uncertain origin. "I miss my wife's cooking — whenever I get a chance!" was cited in print in…
“I miss New York so much, sometimes I fill my humidifier with urine”
American actor and stand-up comedian Emo Phillips once lived and worked in New York City, and his act included a joke about the city's smell. "When I leave new york I get homesick, so i…
“I miss skipping school. Calling out of work is too serious”
"I miss skipping school. Calling out of work is too serious" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I miss skipping school. Calling out of work is too serious 😅"…
“I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and nobody knew what kale was”
"I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and nobody knew what kale was" is a saying that has been printd on many images. Many people like bread and hate kale. Authorship of the…
“I missed the cosmetics exam. I had to do a makeup test”
When a student misses or fails an exam, he or she often has to take a "makeup test." It does not involve cosmetics, but there are several puns, such as this one from 2002: "The other…
“I misunderstood the meaning of ‘strip mall’ and now I’m not allowed back”
A "strip mall" doesn't have anything to do with "stripping," but there are jokes. "Apparently, I misunderstood the meaning of “strip mall.” Can someone bring me…
“I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive”
There's an irony that people use a driver's license to buy alcohol. "I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive" was posted on Reddit --…
“I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive”
There's an irony that people use a driver's license to buy alcohol. "I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive" was posted on Reddit --…
“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of an enemy”
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929- 1968) gave the sermon "Loving Your Enemies" in Ebenezer Baptist Church on Sunday morning, August 12, 1962: "The process of returning hate for hate only…
“I moved into a bungalow. I wanted a house, but that’s another story”
A "story" ("storey" in the United Kingdom) is another floor of a building. One joke is: "I moved into a bungalow recently. Was going to move into a house, but that's…
“I moved into an apartment over a bank. My assets over five million dollars”
A money joke was told by The Unknown Comic (Murray Langston) on television's The Gong Show (1976-1980): "I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars." The…
“I moved to New York for my health. I’m paranoid and my fears were justified”
Anita Weiss was credited in 1993 for having said: "I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and it was the only place where my fears were justified." The quotation has…
“I must be in the front row”
Bob Uecker has a mediocre baseball playing career, but he achieved fame joking about it. In a Miller Lite beer commercial from 1984, Uecker says that the front office has given him tickets and he…
“I must get up. My coffee needs me”
"I must get up. My coffee needs me" is a jocular coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "I should get up. My coffee needs me" was posted on Twitter on February 24,…