“I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning”
"I'm staying home today. I have mood poisoning" -- a pun on "food poisoning -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I’m staying home today! I’ve…
Food/Drink
“I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired. Today isn’t looking so good, and I’ve already used up…”
"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired" and "I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. Today isn't looking so good, and I've already used up…
“I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired”
"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired" and "I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. Today isn't looking so good, and I've already used up…
“I’m still working in the antique shop. Nothing new there”
An antique shop sells old things, and "antique shop" has become equivalent to "nothing new." "Having seen your offense once is like unto having viewed an 'antique…
“I’m such an expert on palmistry, I’ve written a handbook”
"Handbooks" are usually not about hands, but sometimes they are. "I'm quite the expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook" was posted on Twitter by sikjokes2011 on…
“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice—I don’t know if I’m coming or going”
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -- I don't know if I'm coming or going" is a popular joke. Viagra is trademarked with a first use of April 6, 1998. " The…
“I’m the sole provider for my family. They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves…”
"Sole provider" means the only provider. It usually doesn't mean the provider of shoe soles, but there are jokes. "I'm the sole provider for my family. They can buy the…
“I’m the straw that stirs the drink” (Reggie Jackson)
New York Yankee baseball player Reggie Jackson's comments in Sport magazine from May 1977 angered other Yankees, such as catcher Thurman Munson. Jackson was quoted as saying: "it all…
“I’m thinking about getting a pet to take jogging with me. Maybe a turtle”
Many people jog/run with their dogs. "I can't run fast enough to take my dog jogging, so I got a pet turtle" was posted on Facebook by Mark Renfroe on December 15, 2017.…
“I’m thinking about joining the cicadas this summer & screaming constantly”
"Might join the cicadas this summer & scream constantly" (also "I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer & screaming constantly") is a jocular summer…
“I’m thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field”
A joke about the job of estimating crowds is: "I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes…
“I’m thinking about running a marathon again” (joke)
A joke about running the marathon was cited on reddit in November 2015: Me: "I'm thinking about running a marathon again."Her: "Wow, you have ran a marathon before?"Me:…
“I’m tired of eating the same shit. We need some new animals. I want a 6pc unicorn”
"I'm really tired of eating the same shit, but ain't no new animals coming out" was posted on X/Twitter by Musically_Inclined on March 28, 2017. "I'm really tired of…
“I’m tired of seeing ya’ll enjoying summer. Get a job and be miserable like the rest of us”
"I'm tired of seeing ya'll enjoying summer. Get a job and be miserable like the rest of us" is a jocular summer saying that has been printed on many images. "Hope every had…
“I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener”
"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" is an old proverb meaning that everyone's situation in life is seemingly (if not actually) more desirable than one's…
“I’m too embarrassed to go to my kindergarten reunion. I’ve put on, like, 130 pounds since then”
People often gain weight after they leave school and reunions can be frightening -- but a kindergarten reunion? "I declined an invitation to my Kindergarten Reunion because...well, you know,…
“I’m trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won’t open!”
"I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won't open!" is a jocular line that has been printed on many images. "Is trying to get into the Christmas…
“I’m trying to kick dairy and now I’ve got the milk shakes”
"I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes" is a jocular one-line saying that was cited on Twitter on September 3, 2014. The joke started to become popular on…
“I’m using food in my magic act, crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts, then…pesto!”
"Presto!" should not be confused with "pesto," but a joke was posted on Twitter by FP Lamb on February 10, 2014: "I've started using food in my magic act. I start by…
“I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club. We go back years”
There are many timely jokes about time travel. "Very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club. We go back years" was posted on Facebook by punsandoneliners.com on…