“My wife made me join a bridge club—I jump off next Tuesday”
Self-deprecating comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) supposedly got this put-down from his wife: "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday." The joke has been cited…
Pocket City, Stoplight City (Evansville, Indiana nicknames)
“My wife made some bread from a North African recipe book…” (“old thyme Moroccan roll” joke)
"I wanted to make some Moroccan rolls for a party, but I found all my spices were out of date. I made them anyway and people loved them. Just proves the saying 'People love that old thyme…
“My wife of 60 years said let’s go upstairs and make love. I told her ‘Choose one, I can’t do both’”
Climbing stairs can be a challenge as people get older. "'Old' is when your wife says 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you reply, 'Honey, I can't do…
“My wife orders so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they’d probably just let me work from home”
A wife order so much stuff online from Amazon.com, a joke goes, that a husband could get a job as an Amazon driver and work from home. "I’m thinking of getting a job as an Amazon driver..…
“My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens. Bye Rose”
Ballpoint pens are called "biros" in the United Kingdom. "My 1st girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pens . I was heartbroken as she left all I could say was . Bye…
“My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month. It’s part of her minstrel cycle”
"Menstrual cycle" shouldn't be confused with "minstrel cycle," but there are jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 9, 2020: "My wife rotates playing her…
“My wife says I put plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards. She thinks I’m dishlexic”
"Dishlexia" (dish + dyslexia) was entered in the Urban Dictionary on June 2, 2007. "Dishlexic" (dish + dyslexic) was entered in the Urban Dictionary on November 23, 2010.…
“My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it”
"My family/husband/wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it" -- that is, the speaker sleeps at work -- is a jocular work saying that has been printed on many…
“My wife sighed, ‘Why does everything have to be a game with you?’”
Some people think everything in life is a game. A joke was posted on the Birmingham (UK) Mail on November 28, 2014: "'Why does everything have to be a game with you?' snapped my…
“My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are”
"My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are" is a jocular saying that was posted on Twitter by Just Bill on December 21, 2016. The saying has been printed…
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem…” (joke)
"My wife suffers from a drinking problem..." is the start of a joke that has been printed on several images. The joke is that the husband drinks, but the wife suffers from the problem.…
“My wife texted me this morning, ‘Windows frozen, won’t open’” (computer joke)
Microsoft Windows should not be confused with the windows of a house, but there are jokes. "Wife to hubby at work:Windows frozen what shall I do? Hubby:Spray de-icer or hot water on them Wife:…
“My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages” (joke)
A sausages joke has been cited in print since at least 1978: Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you…
“My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual words were, ‘You’ve gotten fat’”
Spiritual growth and physical growth are different, but there are jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on January 19, 2021: "My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual word…
“My wife told me she’s making a trail mix without any raisins or M&M’s. I told her, ‘Well that’s just nuts’”
"Nuts" is slang for "crazy" "That's just nuts" can mean "that's just crazy," or it can mean that something is literally "just nuts." This…
“My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it” (joke)
Some people find spiders in their homes, but don't like to kill the spiders -- preferring to grab a spider and let it go free outside the house. A joke has been printed on many images:…
“My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter”
The word game of Scrabble has tiles of single letters. The pun "wooden letter" ("wouldn't let her") is sometimes made. "My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble.…
“My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard. I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking”
A school crossing guard protects children from traffic. The crossing guard is not involved in "human trafficking," but there are jokes. "Just found out what 'human…
“My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive. I took her to the gas station”
There are several jokes about high gas prices. "My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive last night. I took her to the gas station" is a joke that has been printed on many…
“My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly. She is infringing on my right to bear arms”
The Second Amendment "right to bear arms" has nothing to do with "bears" or "bare arms," but there are several tattoo jokes. "Going to the tattoo shop to forfeit…