“My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and lemonade & she’s sangria”
"He's/She's sangria" sounds like "he's/she's angrier." "My brother keeps getting mad that I tamper with his red wine. So I added some oranges and…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My wife gets turned on by shopping. It seems she’s buy-sexual”
"Buy-sexual" (or "buysexual") is a shopping pun on the word "bisexual." "The most accurate way to describe her sexuality is to state that it is inextricably…
“My wife got ‘romantic’ today. It’s the best Scrabble score she’s ever had”
"My Wife got romantic the other night. It was the best Scrabble score she's ever had" was posted on Twitter by Mα† Thε Dαmηεd on April 13, 2018. "My wife got…
“My wife has OCD and arranges dinner plates. It’s a very rare dish order”
"Disorder" can sound a little like "dish order." "My mate has OCD. He's obsessed with organising dinner plates by weight & size. It's a very rare…
“My wife is leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all round the house. I can see where she’s coming from”
Many people put closed-circuit television around their homes. "My wifes threatened to leave me because I've installed cctv all over the house......I can see where she's coming from…
“My wife is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I said, ‘May divorce be with you’”
"May the Force be with you" is a famous line from the Star Wars films. "May divorce be with you" is a popular joke. "May Divorce Be with You" was an episode of the…
“My wife just called me, ‘Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers’” (joke)
A Valentine's Day joke was posted on Twitter by Marc Gatland on February 14, 2012" Wife: "3 girls at work have received flowers today, they're absolutely gorgeous."Me:…
“My wife just gave me a restraining order. Who knew there was a correct way to use a colander?”
A colander is a kitchen utensil used to strain foods. "My wife told me I was using the colander incorrectly, so she gave me a restraining order..." was posted on Twitter by…
“My wife left a note on the fridge that said ‘This isn’t working’” (joke)
A popular joke about a refrigerator is: "My wife left a note on the fridge that said 'This isn't working I'm going to my mom's.' I opened up the fridge. The light was…
“My wife made me join a bridge club—I jump off next Tuesday”
Self-deprecating comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) supposedly got this put-down from his wife: "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday." The joke has been cited…
“My wife made some bread from a North African recipe book…” (“old thyme Moroccan roll” joke)
"I wanted to make some Moroccan rolls for a party, but I found all my spices were out of date. I made them anyway and people loved them. Just proves the saying 'People love that old thyme…
“My wife of 60 years said let’s go upstairs and make love. I told her ‘Choose one, I can’t do both’”
Climbing stairs can be a challenge as people get older. "'Old' is when your wife says 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you reply, 'Honey, I can't do…
“My wife orders so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they’d probably just let me work from home”
A wife order so much stuff online from Amazon.com, a joke goes, that a husband could get a job as an Amazon driver and work from home. "I’m thinking of getting a job as an Amazon driver..…
“My wife ran off with a mustard salesman. She sent me a Dijon letter”
"Dear John letter" sounds a little like "Dijon letter." "We can assume that when a mustard heiress throws over her boyfriend she sends him a Dijon letter" was printed…
“My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens. Bye Rose”
Ballpoint pens are called "biros" in the United Kingdom. "My 1st girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pens . I was heartbroken as she left all I could say was . Bye…
“My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month. It’s part of her minstrel cycle”
"Menstrual cycle" shouldn't be confused with "minstrel cycle," but there are jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 9, 2020: "My wife rotates playing her…
“My wife says I put plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards. She thinks I’m dishlexic”
"Dishlexia" (dish + dyslexia) was entered in the Urban Dictionary on June 2, 2007. "Dishlexic" (dish + dyslexic) was entered in the Urban Dictionary on November 23, 2010.…
“My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it”
"My family/husband/wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it" -- that is, the speaker sleeps at work -- is a jocular work saying that has been printed on many…
“My wife sighed, ‘Why does everything have to be a game with you?’”
Some people think everything in life is a game. A joke was posted on the Birmingham (UK) Mail on November 28, 2014: "'Why does everything have to be a game with you?' snapped my…
“My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are”
"My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are" is a jocular saying that was posted on Twitter by Just Bill on December 21, 2016. The saying has been printed…