“My wife suffers from a drinking problem…” (joke)
"My wife suffers from a drinking problem..." is the start of a joke that has been printed on several images. The joke is that the husband drinks, but the wife suffers from the problem.…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My wife texted me this morning, ‘Windows frozen, won’t open’” (computer joke)
Microsoft Windows should not be confused with the windows of a house, but there are jokes. "Wife to hubby at work:Windows frozen what shall I do? Hubby:Spray de-icer or hot water on them Wife:…
“My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages” (joke)
A sausages joke has been cited in print since at least 1978: Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you…
“My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual words were, ‘You’ve gotten fat’”
Spiritual growth and physical growth are different, but there are jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on January 19, 2021: "My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual word…
“My wife told me she’s making a trail mix without any raisins or M&M’s. I told her, ‘Well that’s just nuts’”
"Nuts" is slang for "crazy" "That's just nuts" can mean "that's just crazy," or it can mean that something is literally "just nuts." This…
“My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it” (joke)
Some people find spiders in their homes, but don't like to kill the spiders -- preferring to grab a spider and let it go free outside the house. A joke has been printed on many images:…
“My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter”
The word game of Scrabble has tiles of single letters. The pun "wooden letter" ("wouldn't let her") is sometimes made. "My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble.…
“My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard. I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking”
A school crossing guard protects children from traffic. The crossing guard is not involved in "human trafficking," but there are jokes. "Just found out what 'human…
“My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive. I took her to the gas station”
There are several jokes about high gas prices. "My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive last night. I took her to the gas station" is a joke that has been printed on many…
“My wife will buy anything that’s marked down. Yesterday, she brought home an escalator!”
"My wife will buy anything marked down," goes an old joke told by a male comedian. "Yesterday, she brought home an escalator!" The joke has been cited in print since at least…
“My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly. She is infringing on my right to bear arms”
The Second Amendment "right to bear arms" has nothing to do with "bears" or "bare arms," but there are several tattoo jokes. "Going to the tattoo shop to forfeit…
“My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?” (joke)
A joke about a wife getting a husband to do chores was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on December 1, 2020, and again on Reddit -- Jokes on January 19, 2021: My wife: You need to do more chores around…
“My wife’s a peach—she has a heart of stone”
To say that a person is a "peach" means that this person is admirable or pleasing. "Joe: My math teacher is a peach! Sam: You mean she is pretty? Joe: No, she has a heart of…
“My wife’s cooking has really improved. That was the best slice of soup I’ve ever had!”
Soup usually doesn't come in slices -- except maybe in a joke. This was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on May 17, 2018: "I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously…
“My wife’s cooking is incredible. With a silent ‘cr’”
"My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'" is a funny way to say that the cooking is "inedible." The saying was posted on Twitter on January 18, 2016…
“My wife’s credit card was stolen…” (joke)
"My wife's credit card was stolen, but I'm not going to report it," a husband says in this old joke. "Whoever stole it spends less than she does." The joke was cited…
“My word is my bond” (“Word is bond”); Dictum Meum Pactum
"My word is my bond" (Dictum Meum Pactum in Latin) became the motto of the London Stock Exchange in 1923 and the Security Traders Association in 1934. "My word is my bond" is an…
“My work here is dumb” (joke)
"My work here is done" shouldn't be confused with "my work here is dumb," but there are jokes. This was posted on X/Twitter by "@natesmith.dev on bsky" on…
“My workout goal is to get my chest to stick out further than my stomach”
"My fitness goal is just making sure my boobs stick out further than my stomach" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "My workout goal is to get my chest to…
“My yoga instructor is from Jamaica. She teaches Pilates of the Caribbean”
The Pirates of the Caribbean film series has nothing to do with Pilates, but there are jokes. "If I was a yoga instructor, I would move to Key West and open a studio for vacationing tourists…