“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber”
"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber" (cute + cucumber) is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "'If you were a vegetable, you'd be a…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes”
Some people lack self-confidence. "If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself for like 5 minutes/seconds" is an inspirational saying that has…
“If you were anti-pencil, would you be erasist?”
"Erasist" (or "eracist"), meaning someone who erases, sounds like "racist." A joke was told by Arin Hanson of Game Grumps on a YouTube video on March 3, 2014: "If…
“If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your fed ex”
The FedEx Corporation is an American multinational courier delivery services company. It is not owned by the U.S. federal government, but a joke was posted on Twitter on April 30, 2014: "Lame…
“If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee” (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)
The following joke is frequently told about Nancy Astor (1879-1964) and Winston Churchill (1874-1965). Astor supposedly said: "if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee!"…
“If you were poor under Capitalism, you would be dead under Communism”
"If you were poor under Capitalism, you would be dead under Communism" (shown on an image) was posted on X/Twitter by The Rabbit Hole on April 14, 2024, and this received over 15,000…
“If you win a year’s worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?”
A joke has someone getting "a year's supply of calendars" -- one calendar. The joke was used on the American television sitcom Full House, the episode "The Big Three-O"…
“If you win the morning, you win the day” (radio adage)
"As the morning goes, so goes the station" was the slogan of WNBC (New York, NY) station manager Perry Bascom in 1972. Bascom -- a former president of Radio Advertising Representatives --…
“If you win, be humble. If you lose, be gracious”
Entry in progress -- B.P. “If you lose, be patient. If you win, stay humble” is a similar saying. FacebookBASS ODYSSEYSeptember 4, 2013 · "If you win be humble. If you lose be gracious.…
“If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner”
English writer Henry Sambrooke Leigh (1837-1883) wrote in "On Corpulence" (1869): If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner,And take to light claret instead of pale ale;Look down…
“If you work at a cemetery, every shift is a graveyard shift”
A "graveyard shift" is a night shift, such as one between midnight and 6 a.m. It does not necessarily involve a work shift at a cemetery, but there are jokes. "And for two summers, I…
“If you would be pungent, be brief”
A popular saying about speaking is: "If you would be pungent, be brief—for it is with words as with sunbeams, the more they are condensed the deeper they burn." The line was published…
“If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?”
"JavaScript" is not a screenplay about coffee, but there are many puns. "Javascript (which I thought was a screenplay about coffee)" was posted on the newsgroup Google Groups:…
“If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?”
"JavaScript" is not a screenplay about coffee, but there are many puns. "Javascript (which I thought was a screenplay about coffee)" was posted on the newsgroup Google Groups:…
“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be climbing into my gravy boat and sailing away on the mashed potato sea”
Gravy boats (sauce boats) are not boats that sail on water, but there are jokes. "If you had enough gravy boats would you have a gravy navy?" was posted on X/Twitter by John…
“If you’re afraid to speak out against tyranny, you’re already a slave”
"If you are afraid to speak out against tyranny, you are already a slave" is a sayin that has been printed on many images. Authorship is unknown. "If you are afraid to speak out…
“If you’re allergic to bananas, do you go into bananaphylactic shock?”
People who have banana allergies don't go into "bananaphylactic" (banana + anaphylactic) shock, but there are jokes. "For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation…
“If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD. If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD”
"OBCD" sounds like "obesity." "OBCD" weas entered in the Urban Dictionary on April 7, 2011. "OBCD" should not be confused with "OCD"…
“If you’re always straightening things, you have OCD. If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD”
"OBCD" sounds like "obesity." "OBCD" weas entered in the Urban Dictionary on April 7, 2011. "OBCD" should not be confused with "OCD"…
“If you’re American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?”/“European.”
A nationality joke is: Q: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? A: European (you're a-peeing). The joke has been cited in print since at least 1976. 12 April…