“If you want your dreams to come true, don’t oversleep”
"If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep" is an aphorism that has been cited in print since at least 1912. The authorship of the saying is unknown. HathiTrust Digital…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If you want your water to taste better, just add coffee”
"An easy way to make your water taste better is to simply add coffee" has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Facebook by Death Wish Coffee Company on February 12, 2016.…
“If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?” (joke)
"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many ecards. "Joke....what do you call a person who sees a murder in an…
“If you watch TV, you are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. If you don’t, it’s Wednesday”
"If you watch TV, you are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. If you don't, it's Wednesday" was posted on Twitter by Arthur Joannard on July 14, 2012. That is, the television is…
“If you water water, it grows”
"If you water water, it grows...." was posted on Twitter by conner on July 15, 2018. "If you water water, it grows" was posted on Reddit -- Showerthoughts on March 27, 2019.…
“If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?”
"If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Who's the idiot who called it cowboy clothes instead of…
“If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in many people being locked down in their homes. Some people generously offered quarantine life pro tips. "If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row,…
“If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple”
"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple" (fine + pineapple) is a jocular line that has been printed on many images. "If I were a fruit, Id be a fineapple" was posted on…
“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a rudeabaga”
"If you were a vegetable, you'd be a rudeabaga" (rude + rutabaga) is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "If you were a plant you'd be a…
“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber”
"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber" (cute + cucumber) is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "'If you were a vegetable, you'd be a…
“If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes”
Some people lack self-confidence. "If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for like 8 years, you can believe in yourself for like 5 minutes/seconds" is an inspirational saying that has…
“If you were anti-pencil, would you be erasist?”
"Erasist" (or "eracist"), meaning someone who erases, sounds like "racist." A joke was told by Arin Hanson of Game Grumps on a YouTube video on March 3, 2014: "If…
“If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your fed ex”
The FedEx Corporation is an American multinational courier delivery services company. It is not owned by the U.S. federal government, but a joke was posted on Twitter on April 30, 2014: "Lame…
“If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee” (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)
The following joke is frequently told about Nancy Astor (1879-1964) and Winston Churchill (1874-1965). Astor supposedly said: "if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee!"…
“If you were poor under Capitalism, you would be dead under Communism”
"If you were poor under Capitalism, you would be dead under Communism" (shown on an image) was posted on X/Twitter by The Rabbit Hole on April 14, 2024, and this received over 15,000…
“If you win a year’s worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?”
A joke has someone getting "a year's supply of calendars" -- one calendar. The joke was used on the American television sitcom Full House, the episode "The Big Three-O"…
“If you win the morning, you win the day” (radio adage)
"As the morning goes, so goes the station" was the slogan of WNBC (New York, NY) station manager Perry Bascom in 1972. Bascom -- a former president of Radio Advertising Representatives --…
“If you win, be humble. If you lose, be gracious”
Entry in progress -- B.P. “If you lose, be patient. If you win, stay humble” is a similar saying. FacebookBASS ODYSSEYSeptember 4, 2013 · "If you win be humble. If you lose be gracious.…
“If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner”
English writer Henry Sambrooke Leigh (1837-1883) wrote in "On Corpulence" (1869): If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner,And take to light claret instead of pale ale;Look down…
“If you work at a cemetery, every shift is a graveyard shift”
A "graveyard shift" is a night shift, such as one between midnight and 6 a.m. It does not necessarily involve a work shift at a cemetery, but there are jokes. "And for two summers, I…