“Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell”
"Opportunity knocks but once" is a proverb that dates, in various forms, to the 1500s. "Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell" is a jocular…
“Where’s the best place to hide a dead body?”/“Google’s second page of search results”
"What's the best place to hide a dead body?" The jocular answer is the second page of Google search results, because nobody ever goes there. "Am I the only one who realises you…
“Eagles don’t deliver on Sunday” (NFL football joke)
The U.S. Postal Service doesn't deliver on Sundays. NFL football games are usually played on Sundays. A popular joke asks, how is an NFL team like the postal service (or an NFL player like the…
“Programmer—an organism that turns coffee into software”
Hungarian mathematician Alfréd Rényi (1921-1970) is credited for saying, "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." "Programmer -- an organism that turns…
“If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner”
English writer Henry Sambrooke Leigh (1837-1883) wrote in "On Corpulence" (1869): If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner,And take to light claret instead of pale ale;Look down…
“Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork”
"WISH I'D SAID THAT: Too many Americans go in for weight-lifting with the wrong equipment -- a knife and fork" was in the "Earl's Pearl's" segment of…
“Forty minutes of hell” (college basketball saying)
A college basketball game is 40 minutes long. University of Arkansas basketball coach Nolan Richardson applied a pressure defense that he called "40 minutes of hell" (or "forty…
“Fatigue makes cowards of us all”
"Fatigue makes cowards of us all" has been popularly credited to both United States Army General George S. Patton, Jr. (1885-1945) and to Green Bay Packers football head coach Vince…
“New York’s water is so hard it comes at you with a switchblade”
"New York's water is so hard it comes at you with a switchblade" is a joke that was probably told during New York City's high crime days of the 1970s. Early citations of the…
“Tourists are terrorists with cameras; terrorists are tourists with guns”
Romanian-born American poet and commentator Andrei Codrescu wrote in The Muse Is Always Half-Dressed in New Orleans: And Other Essays (1993): "Tourists are terrorists with cameras, while…
Shitizen (shit + citizen)
"Shitizen" (shit + citizen) is a term for a citizen (a non-elite member of society) who knows shit and/or is treated like shit. "I ain't drunk and I'm a good s-shitizen—…
“The internet is a series of tubes filled with cats”
U. S. Senator Ted Stevens (1923-2010) of Alaska said in 2006 that "the Internet...is a series of tubes." The comment was widely ridiculed in the Internet community. Cat videos are popular…
“Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." A popular science bar joke is: "Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. 'I've…
“Victory is a political fiction”
"Victory is a political fiction" has been included in several quotations collections, always credited to "anonymous." The quotation has been cited in print since at least 2003.…
“Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument”
“You raise your voice when you should enforce your argument" is an admonishment that has been credited to lexicographer Samuel Johnson (1709-1784). Desmond Tutu, a South African social…
“Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible”
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible" (also "The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible")…
“Change is good, but dollars are better”
"Change is good, but dollars are better" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many gift items, such as T-shirts, hats and mugs. The saying has been cited since at least 1995, when…
“The higher you go, the better the snow” (skiing adage)
"The higher you go, the better the snow" is a skiing adage. The saying was promoted by the Austrian Tourist Office in 1981 as a way to get skiers to Austria's mountains. Other…
“Olive who?/“Olive you!” (knock-knock joke)
It's one of the oldest of knock-knock jokes, popular every Valentine's Day: "Knock-knock!""Who's there?""Olive.""Olive who?""Olive…
“An investment banker has good news and bad news” (joke)
A popular financial joke reveals something about the industry. An investment banker addresses his colleagues and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we've…