“Don’t update your status when you’re drunk”
"Never go shopping when you're hungry" is a saying that became popular in the 1970s. "THree rules to live by" were first posted on Twitter on April 17, 2012: 1. Don't…
“Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?”/“Because they don’t believe in higher powers.”
An atheist pun about "higher powers" is: Q: Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?A: Because they don't believe in higher powers. The math joke was posted on Twitter on…
“What do you feed a baby parabola?”/“Quadratic formula.”
A math pun on the word "formula" has been printed on several images: Q: What do you feed a baby parabola?A: Quadratic formula. "What does a baby parabola drink? Quadratic…
“Why do Americans make such a fuss about 9/11 anyway? What happened on the 9th of November?”
The September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on New York City's World Trade Center are referred to as "9/11." However, Europeans read the day first, then the month. A joke is: "Why…
“It’s not government work unless you have to do it twice”
The American political comedy television sitcom Parks and Recreation, on the episode "Lucky" that aired on March 8, 2012, had Jerry Gergich (played by the actor Jim O'Heir) say:…
“What did one elevator say to the other?”/“I think I’m coming down with something!”
An elevator riddle is: Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?A: "I think I'm coming down with something!" The riddle has been cited in print since at least 1972, when it…
“Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?”/“It was legend dairy.”
A dairy pun is: Q: Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?A: It was legend dairy (legendary). The joke was posted on Reddit -- Dad Jokes on December 27, 2016. Funny…
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it”
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it" is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. New York-based stand-up comedian Henny Youngman (1906-1998) is usually…
“Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?”/“Because he wanted sweet dreams.”
A riddle about "sweet dreams" is: Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?A: Because he wanted sweet dreams. "Why did the moron bring the sugar to be with him? Because he…
“If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, ask ‘What did you do?’”
A popular joke about Valentine's Day is: "If it is not Valentine’s day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you…
“What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day?”/“Hogs and kisses.”
A Valentine's Day riddle is: Q: What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?A: Hogs and kisses. The joke has been cited in print since at least 1998. 14 February 1998, The San…
“If you don’t have a valentine on Valentine’s Day, don’t be sad”
A Valentine's Day saying is: "If you don't have a valentine on Valentine's Day, don't be sad. Most people don't have AIDS on World AIDS Day as well." The saying…
“No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentine’s Day…”
"No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentine's Day because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on…
“People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green. But at least I avocado”
An "avocado" pun is: "People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green. But at least I avocado (have a car, though)." "He may be small and green, but he does…
“What pronouns should you use for a chocolate bar?”/“Her/she.”
A joke/riddle about Hershey's chocolate is: Q: What pronouns should you use for a chocolate bar?A: Her/she. "What gender pronouns are you supposed to use for chocolate bars? HER /…
“What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?”/“Little Caesars.”
"How do Mexicans cut their pizza?"/"With Little Caesars (scissors)" is a pun about the Little Caesars pizza chain that has been printed on many images. "How do Mexicans cut…
“I can’t tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results”
A blender joke is: "I can't tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Dad Jokes on December 23, 2016. TwitterCJ…
“Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates”
A "continental breakfast" isn't the size of an actual continent, but there's a joke: "Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates." "I've…
“He who dies with the most toys, still dies”
"He who dies with the most toys wins" is a T-shirt saying from at least 1980. "He who dies with the most toys, still dies" is a jocular variation that has been printed on many…
“What’s the worst name for a history lesson?”/“A crash course on 9/11.”
Jokes about the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on New York City's World Trade Center are numerous, although not politically correct. One such politically incorrect joke is: Q:…