“I’m a social drinker. Every time someone says ‘I’ll have a drink,’ I say ‘Social I’”
"I'm a social drinker. Every time someone says 'I'll have a drink,' I say 'Social I'" -- a pun on "So shall I" -- is a jocular drinking saying that…
“I was asked how much television I watch. I said that I usually watch the whole screen”
Many people watch a lot of television. "Some guy on live at the Apollo just said, 'I watch a lot of the TV. I even sometimes watch the whole screen'" was posted on Twitter on…
“A person who cares for chickens is a chicken tender”
A "chicken tender" is a food, but it can also be a job description. "If I took care of chickens, would that make me a Chicken Tender?" was posted on Twitter on April 21, 2011.…
“People often ask me why I wanted to be a film editor. Well, to cut a long story short”
"To cut a long story short" is a common conversational expression. "When I was asked at the job interview 'Why do you want to be a Film Editor?' I replied 'Well, to…
“Me: What’s the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.”
Many bars provide wifi access for customers, although some people use the wifi service and purchase little or nothing. A joke was posted on Twitter by Ian Sausage on March 11, 2018: Me: What's…
“What stars go to jail?”/“Shooting stars.”
A riddle about stars is: Q: What stars go to jail?A: Shooting stars. The joke has been cited in print since at least 1976. Wikipedia: Shooting Star Shooting star is a common name for the visible…
“Technically, the air guitar is a wind instrument”
Is an "air guitar" a wind instrument? Actually, pretending to play a guitar is not playing an instrument at all. "My favourite wind instrument is probably the air guitar" was…
“What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?”/“Nothing, he’s Gladiator.”
"Gladiator" sounds like "glad he ate her," and puns have been cited in print since at least 1836. A riddle was posted on the newsgroup rec.humor on July 13, 1992: Q: What do you…
“There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax”
"Income tax" sounds like "in come Tax." A joke was printed in a 1917 newspaper: "A prosperous farmer of this county, who was looking after business in town yesterday,…
“Nothing makes you feel like a bigger alcoholic than taking out the recycling”
Recycling provides the evidence of one's drinking. "Nothing like taking out the recycling to show you your roommate may be an alcoholic" was posted on Twitter on May 19, 2010.…
“Yo mama is so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs”
A popular "yo mama" insult "lazy joke" is: "Yo mama is so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs." The joke was posted on the newsgroup…
“I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying—until it crashed”
A joke about websites and the meaning of "crashing" was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on February 11, 2011: "I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my…
“I know loads of jokes about cash machines, I just can’t think of one atm”
"ATM" can stand for "Automated Teller Machine," but it can also mean "At The Moment." "I was gonna tweet a joke about a bank but I just can't think of one…
“At work, a coffee machine always gets fixed faster than a printer”
Many people can't work without coffee. "It's funny how a coffee machine problem generally gets fixed faster then an infrastructure problem" was posted on Twitter on May 16,…
“Sheet music is really just a sound recipe”
A music pun was posted on Reddit -- Shower Thoughts on March 9, 2015: "Sheet music is like a sound recipe." The joke is that a "sound recipe" can mean a "recipe of…
“I passed my paintball exam with flying colors”
Students who pass an exam easily are said to do so "with flying colors." It's sometimes joked that the test was a paintball exam. "I passed my paintball exam with flying…
“Where is the most open green space in New York City?”/“Central Pork.”
A pig riddle is: Q: Where is the most open green space in New York City?A: Central Pork. The joke has been cited in print since at least 2007. Wikipedia: Central ParkCentral Park is an urban park…
“I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying—until it crashed”
A joke about websites and the meaning of "crashing" was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on February 11, 2011: "I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my…
“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible”
"The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible" is a motivational saying that has been printed on many images. "Hope sees the invisible,…
“If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That’ll do them in”
"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in" is a jocular saying about committees that has been printed on many images. "If machines…