“Lawyers hope you get sued, but a thief wishes you prosperity”
A list of "Ironies of Life" (sometimes called "Strange But True!") is that professions prosper when things break down, not if everything functions well. Only a thief wishes you…
“Thursdays are just wannabes. They wannabe Friday, but they’re not!”
"Thursdays are just wannabes. They wannabe Friday, but they're not" is a Thursday saying that has been printed on many images. Authorship probably comes from an image.…
“I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket”
"I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. One image involves…
“The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile…”
A "florist" (someone who sells flowers) is not the same as a "floorist" (a seldom-used term for some who sells or repairs floors), but there are jokes. "The first 5…
“Dry January is going well for me so far. I’ve not had a bath or a shower yet”
"Dry January" means a January without alcohol. It does not mean staying dry (without taking a bath or a shower), but there are jokes. "Looks like my attempt to have a dry January has…
“Milk is good, but it could be butter”
"Butter" is just one letter from "better." "Milk is good, but it could be butter" was posted on Twitter by Raksasa | Kirby? (Airyl) on January 6, 2021. "Milk is…
“Macarons are the rich person’s Oreos”
Oreo cookies have been compared to macarons. "Macarons are like fancy Oreos" was posted on Twitter by Mary Cath on April 10, 2010. "Macarons are basically fancy Oreos no?" was…
“Macarons are just French Oreos”
Oreo cookies have been compared to macarons. "Macarons are like fancy Oreos" was posted on Twitter by Mary Cath on April 10, 2010. "Macarons are basically fancy Oreos no?" was…
“If you are what you eat, how many mushrooms do I have to eat to be a fun guy?”
Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin (1755-1826), in the book Physiologie du Gout (1825), wrote "Tell me what you eat, and I shall tell you what you are," often interpreted as "you are what…
“They are giving away free money!! At a place called ‘work’”
"They are giving away free money!! At a place called 'work.' Just go there & follow simple instructions & get your own!!" is a jocular saying that has been printed on…
“Police jokes just aren’t funny. Give it arrest”
Entry in progress -- BP Reddit -- 3amjokesPosted by u/honolulu_oahu_mod January 6, 2021Hey /r/3amjokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!So give it arrest...COMMENTSNathanielleSThat's…
“I pledge allegiance to the cup that holds my caffeinated beverage…” (coffee pledge)
A pledge of allegiance to a cup of coffee is shown on many images: "I pledge allegiance to the cup that holds my caffeinated beverage. And to the drink which it contains, one container, full…
“My ‘dry’ January is Sauvignon Blanc”
"Dry January" means to abstain from drinking alcohol for the month of January. It does not mean drinking dry wines, but there are jokes. "Is a dry January when you only drink…
“There’s no room for BS in my life, unless it’s Burritos and Salsa”
"There's no room for BS in my life, unless it's Burritos and Salsa" (or "The only BS I have time for is Burritos & Salsa") is a jocular saying that has been…
“I’m not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick”
"I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick" is a different kind of motivational saying that has been printed on many images. "Carpe diem," Latin…
“When I found out my new toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked”
"When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on June 23, 2010. The joke probably originated on the…
“The only BS I have time for is Burritos & Salsa”
"There's no room for BS in my life, unless it's Burritos and Salsa" (or "The only BS I have time for is Burritos & Salsa") is a jocular saying that has been…
“I don’t always drink water, but when I do it’s filtered water. Through my coffeemaker. It’s coffee”
"I don't always drink water, but when I do, it's coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. One image involves "The Most Interesting Man in the…
“The key to happiness is as simple as A-B-C: Always Brew Coffee”
"The key/secret to happiness is as easy/simple as A-B-C. Always Brew Coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "ABCs of life. Always Be Creating. Always Brew…
“If you are color blind, Twister is a mother fucking free for all”
Twister is a game that involves colored circles, where people place hands and feet. "If you are color blind, Twister is a mother fucking free for all" was posted on Twitter by Ben…