“They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a big disappointment”
"They say you are what you eat. I don't remember eating a big disappointment" is a self-deprecating joke. "'You are what you eat' I don't remember eating a big…
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“Why do Java programmers wear glasses?”/“Because they can’t C#.”
A programming riddle is: Q: Why do Java programmers wear glasses?A: Because they can't C# (see sharp). The joke has been cited in print since at least 2001 and has been printed on many images.…
“Dear everyone, upset, bored, angry or hungry—I’m here for you. Sincerely, fridge”
"Dear everyone, upset, bored, angry or hungry -- I'm here for you. Sincerely, fridge" is a jocular one-line saying from a refrigerator. The saying was posted on Twitter on June 8,…
“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once”
"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted…
“A wise Chinese man once said, “If a dog barks, it’s undercooked’”
What does a dog's barking mean? "A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks, it's undercooked'" is a jocular line that has been printed on many images. The saying…
“Homework: If it goes too easy, you’re doing it wrong”
"Homework: If it goes too easy, you're doing it wrong" is a one-line homework saying that has been printed on several images. "Quick tip: if you think your calc homework is too…
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a car than on a bicycle”
"Money can't buy happiness" is a proverb that has been cited in English since at least 1821. There have been many jocular additions to the proverb. "Money can't buy…
“I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!”
Autocorrect often makes mistakes. "Burn in hello auto correct!" was posted on Twitter on September 19, 2010. "I hope the inventor of auto-correct barns in hello" was posted on…
“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe”
"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe" -- that is, confused or disoriented -- is a one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying has been cited…
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly”
The game of Monopoly has been published by Parker Brothers -- and only Parker Brothers -- since 1935. A popular joke is: "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game…
“If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common”
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" is a popular American poem verse from the 1830s. The verse has many joke endings that replace "try, try again." "If at…
“The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts”
"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts" is a jocular reminder of a grim government fiscal situation that has been printed on many images. "The…
“Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos”
The internet is not all cat videos, although it may sometimes seem like it is. "Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos" is a jocular…
“Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday”
Many people can't wait for Friday. “Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday” is a popular saying, "Nothing fucks up your Friday like realizing that its only…
“Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were”
"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were" is a jocular saying about hospitality that has been printed on many images. The saying was…
“Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?”
"Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?" is a jocular line about marriage that has been printed on many images. The saying was…
“My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them”
"My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit/stuff in person" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on several images.…
“Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns”
Mowing a lawn is exercise, so who needs a gym membership? "Who needs a gym membership? Just get out & creatively push mow your yd! Jog, lunge, on ur toes.. Smells great & good 4…
“I don’t understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year”
How can a business with record sales ever fail? A joke was posted on Twitter by SEC Fort Worth on January 2, 2017: "We don’t understand why record stores failed. They had record sales…
“Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen”
An employer sometimes pulls aside a problem employee with, "We need to talk." "Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen" is a one-line saying…