“Just had my car waxed. No idea how it gets so hairy”
Car waxing shouldn't be confused with bikini waxing, but there are jokes. "Will try and get the car waxed before the match tomorrow, I'm still not sure how it gets that…
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“January was a tough year, but we made it through”
"January was a tough year, but we made it (through)" is a jocular January saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the month of January feels so long that it seems like a…
“Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves”
"Time to get up and get going. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Now if you'll excuse…
“Time to get up and get going. Today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves”
"Time to get up and get going. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Now if you'll excuse…
“Going back to your ex is like reheating your McDonald’s fries”
French fries at McDonald's fast food restaurants are usually tasteless when reheated. "'You ever make the mistake of reheating McDonald's fries in the microwave? They become…
Disenfrenchfries (disenfranchise + french fries)
"Disenfranchise" -- meaning "to deprive someone of a franchise, generally their right to vote" -- has nothing to do with french fries, but there are jokes. "I had to break…
“If you kick me when I’m down, you better pray I don’t get up”
"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up" (or "Never kick me when I'm down, because when I get back up...you're fucked") is a saying…
“What’s the best way to cook alligator?”/“In a crockpot.”
Crockpots aren't for cooking crocodiles, but there are jokes. "JOHN ESTES wondering if alligator is cooked in a 'croc pot'" was printed in the Hanford (CA) Sentinel on…
“Never kick me when I’m down, because when I get back up…you’re f-cked”
"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up" (or "Never kick me when I'm down, because when I get back up...you're fucked") is a saying…
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness never paid for a divorce before”
"Money can't buy happiness" is a proverb that has been cited in English since at least 1821. There have been many jocular variations of the proverb. "Whoever said money…
“Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries”
French fries at McDonald's fast food restaurants are usually tasteless when reheated. "'You ever make the mistake of reheating McDonald's fries in the microwave? They become…
“I call myself terms and conditions because y’all keep ignoring me”
People often ignore reading terms and conditions. "RT @Abbyglasby: Being ignored so much I call myself Terms & Conditions" was posted on Twitter by سارة on October 3, 2012.…
“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot”
"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "@AnnoyedGrlProb:…
“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is an idiot”
"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "@AnnoyedGrlProb:…
“Home is where you can trust the toilet seat is clean before you sit down”
"Home is where you trust the toilet seat" -- this is, from other people's germs -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The variation is based on the 19th…
“My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered” (joke)
A music joke was posted by Ellynne Rey to Gigs from Hell (Funny Gig Stories) on Facebook on October 20, 2019: "My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered. I…
“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot”
"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "@AnnoyedGrlProb:…
“Home is where you trust the toilet seat”
"Home is where you trust the toilet seat" -- this is, from other people's germs -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The variation is based on the 19th…
“Coffee helps me person. Personing is hard without caffeine”
"Coffee helps me person. Personing is hard without caffeine" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "Coffee helps me person" (An image is shown from…
“Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block”
"Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box" -- that is, it's a toy block (such as a Lego) and…