“If stealing 100% of the product of someone’s labor is slavery, at what percentage is it not?”

“If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil…”

Jesus fucking Murphy (exclamation)

“Don’t feed me shit and tell me it’s ice cream”

“Medical diagnosis is rarely black and white unless it’s a chess infection”

“Don’t put sugar on shit and tell me it’s ice cream”

“Don’t feed me bullshit and tell me it’s ice cream”

“Don’t feed me manure and tell me it’s ice cream”

“Don’t feed me crap and tell me it’s ice cream”

“Every time I cough I hear words like knight bishop pawn & queen. Dr. said I had a chess infection”

“The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn’t make up their minds”

“Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels…”

“The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn’t make up their minds”

“Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketsub”

“Twitter is for people who want attention while being left alone”

“If they said on the news we’re running out of air some idiots would be outside with plastic bags”

“Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketslaves”

“Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketsubmissive”

“Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketcommander”

“As a kid, did you ever knock on people’s doors and run away before they answered?” (UPS joke)

“Thin Mints imply the existence of Thick Mints”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Rum”

“Thin Mints implies the existence of Thicc Mints”

“What’s an anagram of “thaws’”

“You know what rhymes with Friday? Hennessy”

“Thin Mints implies the existence of Thick Mints”

“I would like to suggest government-free zones”

“The closest most people will ever get to participate in the Olympic sport of curling is…”

“What is an anagram of thaw”

“Next week has been exhausting”

“Thin Mints imply the existence of Thicc Mints”

“Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don’t blame Mexicans because you’re unemployable”

“Voting from the rooftops”

“What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Except for hospitals. Hospitals will kill you”

“It’s a proven fact that criminals commit less crime after they’ve been shot”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for hospitals. Hospitals will kill you”

“Why did the chicken cross the orchard?”/“To get to the other cider?”

“Why did the chicken cross the apple orchard?”/“To get to the other cider.”

“Statistics show that criminals commit less crime after they’ve been shot”

“What’s the opposite of ground beef?”/“High steaks.”

“I cannot tell time because clocks have no ears”

“Texas cooking: Kill something, bacon wrap it with a jalapeño and grill it. Enjoy with cold beer”

“What do you call a politician with half a brain?”/“JFK.”

“How can you tell time if clocks don’t have ears?”

“God. Family. Country. Coffee”

“What do you call a politician with half a brain?”/“Gifted.”

“My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving”

“Denny’s is just Waffle House for people who can’t fight”

“How do I tell time when clocks have no ears?”

“Denny’s is just Waffle House for people who don’t know how to fight.—Friedrich Nietzsche”

“Make America like Texas” (MALT)

“I would never survive camping. I’ve already eaten all the snacks I packed for the day…”

MALT (Make America Like Texas)

“A wise man can always be found alone. A weak man can always be found in a crowd”

“Coffee now, palpitate later”

“Vote from the rooftops”

“With this coffee and many, many refills…I shall overcome Monday”

“Pheidippides walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A marathoner walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A marathon runner walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Coffee now, work later”

“Coffee now, bourbon later”

“Coffee now, work later”

“Coffee now, wine later”

“Voting is like trying to fix a broken car by changing the driver”

“Coffee now, gin later”

“Government: An institution of war, theft, murder, rape and predation, the absence of which…”

“Voting is trying to fix a broken car by changing the drivers”

“Being fat is actually fitphobic. Do better”

“People will believe anything they read on the internet as long as you write it next to a picture”

“Having a garage sale is a great example of how, with many hours of planning and preparation…”

“We Ain’t Comin’ Out” (WACO)

“Everything woke turns to shit”

“When a billionaire dies, who inherits their politicians?”

“I told my wife a man is like good wine; he gets better with age. So she locked me in the cellar”

“I told my wife a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar”

“Only a fool can be happy to show off a pass for things he used to do without a pass”

“When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?”

“When a billionaire dies, who inherits their congressmen?”

“My favorite vegetable is salsa”