“Key lime pie implies the existence of lock lime pie”

“If you put a key lime inside a lock lime it reveals the Treasure of Lime Mountain”

“Today I’d like to sit and sip, forget the world a little bit”

“Key limes imply the existence of lock limes”

“Induction stoves imply the existence of deduction stoves”

“I want a deduction stove that cooks food by logically entailing it from a set of premises”

“What is the best month to drink beer?”/“Fe-brew-ary.”

Febrewary (February + brew)

“What is a barista’s favorite month?”/“Febrewary.”

“What’s the best month to make coffee?”/“Fe-brew-ary.”

“For legal reasons, everything I post on Twitter is a joke”

“For legal reasons, everything I tweet is a joke”

“For legal reasons, everything I post on Facebook is a joke”

“I’m joining the war on drugs. I’m on the side of drugs”

“I’m joining the war on drugs. I’m on the drugs’ side”

“My neighbor has joined the War on Drugs…on the side of drugs”

“I’m joining the war on drugs on the side of drugs”

“I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs”

“It’s called a smart city because if they called it a concentration camp…”

“I support renewable energy. It’s called coffee”

“Swimming in debt doesn’t count as cardio”

“Does swimming in debt count as cardio?”

“When I get my taxes, I’m boiling my ramen noodles in Fiji water”

“May everything I post confuse you until you learn to mind your mf business”

“Monday after Super Bowl should be a national holiday”

“If you let them use you as a lab rat, don’t be surprised when they put you in a cage”

“May everything I post confuse you until you learn to mind your business”

“When I get my tax money, I’m cooking my ramen noodles in Fiji water”

“Annual reminder that heart shaped pizza is less pizza for the same amount of money”

“A heart shaped pizza is less pizza! Stay woke”

“Coffee. Wine. Bed. Repeat”

“Tequila! Have you hugged your toilet today?”

“Beer: Helping white people dance since 1837”

“If Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers, what day is special for singles?”/“Palm Sunday.”

“If couples celebrate Valentine’s Day, what do single men celebrate?”/“Palm Sunday.”

“Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. You’re not getting either, so calm the fuck down”

“Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. I expect nothing, and I’m still let down”

“Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. You’re getting neither, so calm the fuck down”

“Roses are red. Violets are blue. I really love being on a government watchlist with all of you”

“Roses are red. Chocolates are brown. I expected nothing, but you still let me down”

“Wine makes me happy. You, not so much”

“Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the mainstream media”

“Whiskey makes me happy. You, not so much”

Oneonta Slice (cold cheese pizza, invented in Oneonta, NY)

“Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the media”

Long Island: “Long Island implies the existence of Short Island”

Oneonta: Cold Cheese Pizza (or “Oneonta slice”)

“Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the media”

“Survival tip #1: Never trust the government or the mainstream media”

Cold Cheese Pizza (also called “Oneonta slice”)

“Coffee makes me happy. You, not so much”

“Ramen.—Scooby Doo ending a prayer”

“Beer makes me happy. You, not so much”

“How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God?”/“Ramen.”

“Ramen makes me happy. You, not so much”

“The media breaks its neck trying to demonize humans and humanize demons”

“Every great atrocity is the result of people just following orders”

Jesus Murphy and Joseph (exclamation)

Jesus Murphy (exclamation)

Jesus H. Murphy (exclamation)

“Coffee. Wine. Sleep. Repeat”

“Coffee. Chaos. Wine. Sleep. Repeat”

“I can be nice. Just add coffee”

“My housekeeping style can best be described as: ‘There appears to have been a struggle’”

“At my next job, I’m gonna to lie about having a kid so I can leave the office anytime I want…”

“If at first you don’t succeed, drink whisky. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care”

“Everything I don’t like must be banned. Everything I do like is a human right…”

“Everything I don’t like must be banned. Everything I like is a human right and must be paid for…”

“If at first you don’t succeed, drink whiskey. You’ll be amazed how little you care”

“Sometimes I wanna quit social media but then it would be a better place without me so I stay”

“A hypocrite is a fellow who is not himself on Sundays”

“A hypocrite is a person who is not himself on Sunday”

“The only reason I’m up this early on a Sunday is the coffee”

“A hypocrite is someone who’s not themselves on Sunday”

“I’m celebrating President’s Day by making a bunch of promises I have no plan on keeping”

“Celebrate Presidents’ Day by making a promise you have no intentions of keeping!”

Mustard Pie (mustard on pizza)

“At first, I couldn’t believe that vodka is made from fucking potatoes…”

“Stay strapped or get clapped—Sun Tzu, ‘The Art of War’”

“Stay strapped or get clapped” (pro-gun adage)

“My spirit animal is Wild Turkey”

“My spirit animal is either Grey Goose or Wild Turkey”

Mustard Pizza (mustard on pizza)

“Hey vegans, my food shits on your food”

“Wild Turkey is my spirit animal”

“Grey Goose is my spirit animal”

“Hey vegetarians, my food shits on your food”

“Hey vegans, my food poops on your food”

“The Jägermeister stag is my spirit animal”

“Hey vegetarians, my food poops on your food”

“If I could cure cancer, you’d say that I put doctors out of work” (bad press)

“Twitter is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something”

“They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another”

“The internet is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something”

“Not sure if life is getting better or the amount of fuck I give is decreasing”

“This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection”

“The world is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something”

“How many good cops does it take to change a light bulb?” (riddle)

“I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles…”

Grubberment (grubber + government)