“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s an amount of money”

“An exhaustive list of decisions I need the government to make for me: [blank lines]”

“How do you survive an Irish vampire?”/“Repel him with Gaelic.”

“Arán is Irish for bread. It’s gaelic bread”

“What is the favorite appetizer of Scottish people?”/“Gaelic bread.”

“Raise your hand if you’re tired of being asked to raise your hand on Twitter”

“Decisions I need the government to make for me: [blank lines]”

“Raise your hand if you’re tired of being asked to raise your hand in tweets”

“Public schools are woke indoctrination camps”

“Coffee. Because mornings. And afternoons”

“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s a financial number”

“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s a number”

“Next time you think of eating a chicken, remember that they had a family, just like you…”

“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s a financial situation”

“Government schools are indoctrination camps”

“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s a financial status”

“What do you call a handsome avocado?”/“Guapomole.”

“Government schools are woke indoctrination camps”

“Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains, they’re either male or female…”

“Cowboys: Scrape shit from boots before entering” (sign)

“Coffee. Chaos. Sleep. Repeat”

Moderna Mambo

“Politicians: Scrape shit from boots before entering” (sign)

“A Möbius strip walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Pfizer Pflop

Pfizer Flop

“A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man…”

“All governments lie about everything and you are programmed not to question anything…”

“How many guitars does a guitar player need?”/“Just one more.”

“Defibrillators repulse me”

“Imagine a virus so deadly that it doesn’t infect those who don’t give a shit”

Vaxxassinate (vaccine/vaccinate + assassinate)

Vaccassinate (vaccine/vaccinate + assassinate)

Vaxassinate (vaccine/vaccinate + assassinate)

Vaxassination (vaccine/vaccination + assassination)

Vaccassination (vaccine/vaccination + assassination)

“How many guitars does a guitarist need?”/“Just one more”

Vaxxassination (vaccine/vaccination + assassination)

“My credit card company called me to report suspicious activity. Someone made a payment”

“Socialists: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people…”

“We would like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs”

“The difference between a gang and a state is the belief that there is a difference…”

“The Democrat Party: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for rich people…”

“Man matures when he stops believing that politics solves his problems”

“Liberals: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for rich people…”

“Democrats: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people…”

“What makes the difference between a gang and a state is the belief that there is a difference…”

“Bars need to do a sad hour with even cheaper drinks and everyone just acts cool if you cry a lil”

“Democracy is when people vote the way I tell them to”

“Well, That Didn’t Work: An Expansive Volume on the History of Government” (book title)

“I’d like to congratulate drugs for winning the war on drugs”

“If you blow on your wine while on zoom people will think your coffee is hot”

“Democracy is when people vote the way I want them to”

“Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs”

“I used to think drinking a whole pot of coffee by yourself meant you have a problem…”

“There are two types of people: those who trust the government and those who have read history”

“Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get worse”

“Every law passed is another freedom lost”

“I have a lovely gold watch—a family heirloom. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me”

“After I finish my morning cup of coffee, I like to take a break and have a cup of coffee”

“Colonel Sanders chicken recipe has been kept more secure than US classified documents”

“HBO Max implies the existence of HBO Ruby”

“Oatmilk latte is just coffee-flavored pulp-free oatmeal in a sippy cup”

“Oat milk is just oatmeal without the pulp”

“Camping is just being homeless for fun”

“Oat milk is just pulp free oatmeal”

“Going camping is like being homeless for fun”

“Camping is technically being homeless for fun”

“What is a golfer’s favorite drink?”/“Green tea.”

“Sadly, I do most of my proofreading after I hit sned”

“Time is precious. Spend it wisely”

“What is a golfer’s favorite drink?”/“Green tee.”

“Time is precious. Waste it wisely”

“If socialist college professors believed their own propaganda, wouldn’t they teach for free?”

“A prisoner walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A blind prisoner walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What is a golfer’s favorite drink?”/“Green tee.”

“What is a golfer’s favorite drink?”/“Green tea.”

“I don’t even know how to use my own debit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it?”

“Home is where the dog hair is”

“I don’t even know how to use my own credit card anymore. Tap it? Swipe it? Bop it? Twist it?”

“I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink and have music at a normal volume…”

“Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog”

“Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything except the dog”

“After I’m done snacking, I have to show my hands to the dog like I’m a black jack dealer”

“Never leave home without a kiss, a hug and an ‘I love you.’ Then remove the dog hair…”

“Never leave home without a hug, a kiss and an ‘I love you.’ Then remove the dog hair…”

“When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog, like I’m a blackjack dealer”