“This whiskey tastes like I’ll be texting you later”

“This beer tastes like I’ll be texting you later”

“Peaches are just fuzzy nectarines”

“Nectarines are just shaved peaches”

“A peach is just a hairy nectarine”

“A nectarine is just a shaved peach”

“A nectarine is just a smooth peach”

“Nectarines are just smooth peaches”

“As sure as a nectarine ain’t nothing but a bald-headed peach”

“A nectarine is just a bald-headed peach”

“Nectarines are just bald peaches”

“Nectarines are peaches that haven’t hit puberty yet”

“I’m nice, but I’m not ‘let more than one car merge’ nice”

“I’m nice, but I’m not ‘let more than one person merge in front of me’ nice”

“Coffee is the whiskey of the morning”

“Slightly faulty quiz machine for sale. No questions asked!”

“For Sale: Broken Quiz Machine. No questions asked”

“Home is where the cat hairs stick to everything… except the cat”

“Home is where the cat hair is”

Ruppert’s Riflemen (New York Yankees nickname)

“Home is where the cat hair sticks to everything but the cat”

Ruppert’s Rifles (New York Yankees nickname)

“Coffee in the morning and whiskey at night”

“Coffee in the morning and whiskey in the evening”

“Black coffee in the morning. Dark whiskey in the evening”

“Black coffee every morning. Dark whiskey every evening”

“Never go to a wedding in the winter. Someone always gets cold feet”

Hugmen (New York Yankees nickname)

Huggins’ Sluggers (New York Yankees nickname)

Hug’s Men (New York Yankees nickname)

“Welcome to the Shouting Club hotline. We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes”

“The start of the Girl Scout cookie season marks the end of the New Year’s resolution season”

“A taxpayer voting Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“A young person voting for a Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“A young person voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“A black man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“A woman voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“Stop calling them ‘the elites.’ Call them by what they really are: ‘the parasites’”

“Life hack: Give yourself 8 - 12 hours of alone time in the morning to mentally prepare for the day”

“The more you research, the crazier you sound to ignorant people”

“A working man voting Republican is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

Hug’s Sluggers (New York Yankees nickname)

“Drugs block our biochemistry to reduce symptoms. Fruits and vegetables restore our biochemistry…”

“A taxpayer voting Democratic is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“What would we do without onions and garlic”

“They should start reporting the number of kids that go missing every day the way they report Covid”

“My spirit animal is the Jägermeister stag”

“Tequila: Helping people wake up in strangers’ beds since 1521”

“What would we do without garlic and onions”

“Drugs block our biochemistry to reduce symptoms. Plants restore our biochemistry to create health”

“CTRL + ALT + DEL. Control yourself. Alter your thinking. Delete negativity”

“A taxpayer voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders”

“Salt puns are sodium funny”

“Never worry about who will be offended if you speak the truth….”

“Drugs block our biochemistry to reduce symptoms. Vegetables restore our biochemistry…”

“Salt jokes are sodium funny”

“Twitter doesn’t ban hate speech. Twitter bans speech it hates”

“Social media don’t ban hate speech. They ban speech they hate”

“They don’t ban hate speech. They ban speech they hate”

“They don’t want to ban hate speech. They want to ban speech they hate”

“Facebook doesn’t ban hate speech. Facebook bans speech it hates”

“Runner’s Hi - When joggers wave to each other”

“Public schools are indoctrination centers”

“You’re too old to try and ride that skateboard!”/Me—“Hold my Ensure.”

“The only reason I get up early on a Sunday is coffee”

“I did a lot of dumb stuff, but I never got a fish filet from McDonald’s”

“If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly”

“Government schools are indoctrination centers”

“Public schools are indoctrination camps”

“If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck”

“If you find yourself in a fair fight, you’ve done something wrong”

“If you’re in a fair fight, you didn’t plan it properly”

“Tofu is just soya milk cheese”

“How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?”/“They carry the one.”

“Tofu is just soya cheese”

“Paper or plastic?”/“Either. I’m bisacksual.”

“Coffee in the morning. Bourbon in the evening”

“There’s a nudist convention in my town tomorrow. I might go if I’ve got nothing on”

“They’re called Karen because they be Karen too much about things that don’t concern them”

“Coffee in the morning. Bourbon at night”

“Why is gravity so cheap?”/“Because it’s mass-produced.”

“Let’s all stay inside until people never die again!”

“Tofu is just soy cheese”

“Human milk is for baby humans. Cow milk is for baby cows. Almond milk is for baby almonds”

“Cow milk is for baby cows. Human milk is for baby humans. Almond milk is for baby almonds”

“Tofu is just soy milk cheese”

“Tofu is just soymilk cheese”

“Almond milk is for baby almonds”

“When your advertising interrupts my video, it just makes me hate your product”

“Public schools are woke indoctrination centers”

“You can rob a bank with a gun, but you can rob the world with a bank”

“You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass”

“Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world”

“I would never invade the United States. There would be a gun behind every blade of grass”

“Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world”

“The power you let government use today is the power they’ll use on you tomorrow”

“You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass”

“Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a central bank and he can rob the world”

“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s a financial state”

“Retirement isn’t an age, it’s an income”