“Sprite is just spicy water”

“Coffee is just goth tea”

“Sparkling water is just spicy water”

“Mineral water is just spicy water”

“If you cut off my reproductive choice, can I cut off yours?”

“If you cut off my reproductive rights, can I cut off yours?”

“Guns don’t make us unsafe. A government that bans them does”

“Refried beans are like Mexican mashed potatoes”

“Refried beans are the mashed potatoes of Mexican food”

“Hotter than a meth pipe on payday” (very hot)

“I don’t drink alcohol on lunch breaks because the last thing I need is more motivation…”

“If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson”

“Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface”

“What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?”/“The apple gets picked.”

“If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you’re a terrible parent” (joke)

“Glock: The original point and click interface”

“Colt: The original point and click interface”

“Samuel Colt: Inventor of the point and click interface”

“Dear Monday, Go step on a Lego”

“Where do bay leaves come from?”/“Beirut.”

“Why do they say ‘amen’ instead of ‘awomen’ at the end of songs?”/“Because they’re hymns, not hers.”

“Two sheep walk into a New York City pizzeria…” (joke)

“Assault is a behavior, not a device”

“Two sheep walk into a baaaaaa” (bar joke)

“Two sheep walk into a pub…” (bar joke)

“Where is Beirut?”/“At the opposite end of a bay leaf.”

“What do plantains say when they lose their phone?”/“Where did Mofongo?”

“Amen and awomen”

Dunkin’ Deez Nuts (Dunkin’ Donuts + deez nuts)

“Who called it teabagging and not Dunkin Deeznuts?”

“What do plátanos say when they lose their phones?”/“Where did Mofongo?”

“Muffins are bald cupcakes”

Dunkin’ Deeznuts (Dunkin’ Donuts + deez nuts)

“What do Dominicans say when they lose their phone?”/“Where did Mofongo?”

“A muffin is a bald cupcake”

“We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually…”

“The restaurant sign says, ‘Try our new menu.’ I’m guessing it tastes like paper”

“Entrail Mix: for cannibals who love the outdoor lifestyle”

“The five stages of Monday; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine”

“How do fishermen get jobs?”/“Networking.”

“A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu, but it just tasted like paper to me”

“Cut war, not welfare”

“Ticketmaster be like: Concert ticket: $40 Venue fee: $21.32 Access fee: $18.32…”

“I gotta get my life together. This damn heat made me realize I can’t go to hell”

“Dear Weatherman, When I said I’d like to see 105 again, I meant my weight”

“Not sure if it’s the end of the world or just Monday”

“Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The five stages of realizing you’re out of wine”

“My car is a hybrid. It burns gas and rubber” (bumper sticker)

“I’m already against the next war”

“My truck is a hybrid. It burns diesel and rubber” (bumper sticker)

“I drive a hybrid so I have more money for ammo” (bumper sticker)

“It’s a hybrid. It burns gas and rubber” (bumper sticker)

“It’s Monday, wine a little”

“It’s a hybrid. It burns gas and oil” (bumper sticker)

“Monday: Nothing a glass of wine can’t fix”

“Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole”

“Wake up. Drink coffee. Kick ass. Repeat”

“Wake up. Kick ass. Be kind. Repeat”

“Wake up. Workout. Be kind. Repeat”

“Wake up. Work out. Kick ass. Repeat”

“Wake up. Drink coffee. Hug dog. Repeat”

“Wake up. Kick ass. Repeat”

“Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car” (bumper sticker)

“A gun is like a beer cooler: It should be fully loaded before use and completely empty after”

“I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I’ve never felt sad drinking coffee”

“Pretty sure the heat index today is somewhere between boob sweat and Satan’s anus”

“I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off…” (joke)

“I correct auto correct more than auto correct corrects me”

“What is worth less than fifty-five cents?”/“The same fifty-five cents tomorrow.”

“Went to a restaurant called the Manhattan Project. It was not an Asian fusion restaurant. 1 Star”

“I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me”

“When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see…”

“New restaurant opening in town called The Manhattan Project. It’s a fusion restaurant”

“We’re not conspiracy theorists. We’re the fucking resistance”

“Potato chip truck accident on the highway, expect de-Lays”

“Jailed musicians anxiously await their next release”

Good As You (“gay” backronym)

“America is the best country in the nation”

“The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release”

“Hotter than the Fourth of July” (very hot)

“America is the greatest country in the nation”

“Boxing between a squirrel and a hedgehog. The squirrel went nuts, but the hedgehog won on points”

“Did you hear about the boxing match between a rabbit and a hedgehog? The hedgehog won on points”

“The United States is the greatest country in the nation”

“Work hard. Be kind. Eat bacon”

“The sun is up, the sky is blue, my coffee’s so delicious I think I’ll have two!”

“Hotter than doughnut grease at a fat man convention” (very hot)

“Hotter than noon on the Fourth of July” (very hot)

“Hotter than a firecracker on the Fourth of July” (very hot)

“Hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention” (very hot)

“Hotter than doughnut grease” (very hot)

“I can’t believe the entire Siberian Orchestra is trans”

“Hotter than doughnut grease” (very hot)

“I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night. I was fast, asleep”

World Holocaust Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

“If it gets any hotter, I’ll have to take off stuff I really ought to keep on”

National Homicide Service (National Health Service or NHS nickname)

National Hell Service (National Health Service or NHS nickname)

National Holocaust Service (National Health Service or NHS nickname)

“When the store name and the price of gas collide” ($7.11 gas at 7-Eleven store)