“I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It’s too bad really… I had a blast working there!”

Asiantation (Asian + orientation)

“Welcome parents and students to orientation.”/“Excuse me! I think we call it Asiantation now.”

“A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it”

“Hot chocolate is basically chocolate soup”

“If you leave your children a world where you never stood up, they’ll get one where they can’t”

“Hot cocoa is just chocolate soup”

“Did you hear about the lobster that got the job at Pizza Hut? He works in the crust station”

“What are you when you can’t decide on what pizza to get?”/“Indeslicesive.”

Indeslicesive (indecisive + slice)

“If you drink hot chocolate with a spoon, it’s like chocolate soup”

“If you drink hot cocoa with a spoon, it becomes chocolate soup”

“Apparently ‘spite’ is not an appropriate answer to ‘What motivates you?’”

“If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down”

“Not forcing you, just taking away everything until you consent”

“We call it fall because leaf fall down”

“I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner…”

“The season of leggings and yoga pants is upon us”

“We call it fall because leaves fall down”

“No one is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them”

“Everything that has made you an outsider in the dying culture has prepared you…”

“One of the greatest prisons people live in is the fear of what other people think”

“If science was never questioned, you’d still be drinking cocaine…”

“What if UFOs are just empty vehicles sent into space by eccentric billionaires of other planets?”

“Freemasonry is the real virus”

“Finding a hair in your food is much worse if you’re bald”

“What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?”

“Freemasonry is the virus”

“‘We’re not forcing you,’ they say. ‘We’re just taking away everything you need until you consent’”

“Nobody is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them”

“Read the ingredients in the food before you buy it? You must be an anti-fooder!”

“Music theory is just math in cursive”

“Opera is basically screaming in cursive”

“Indie music is just yodeling, but in cursive”

“Opera is just yelling in cursive”

Anti-fooder

“Any government body that mandates something that they exempt themselves from…”

“Violins are played in cursive”

“If you show your papers to attend a Remembrance Day ceremony, you’ve already forgotten”

“The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think”

“Coffee is PG-13 coke”

“Opera is just screaming music in cursive”

“Apple cider is winter lemonade”

“The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is finding out the chef is bald”

“Music is noise in cursive”

“Poutine is a form of potato salad”

“Violins are just guitars that play in cursive”

“Coffee is PG cocaine”

“When the moon hits your eye like it’s 4:45, that’s November”

“You shouldn’t need an exemption to opt out of a medical procedure…”

“Poutine is just Canadian potato salad”

“If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?”/“November thirst.”

“My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem”

“Melon + Broccoli = Meloncholy (The saddest vegetable in existence)”

“Insanity is taking the same vaccine over and over again, and expecting to be protected”

“What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?”/“The saddest vegetable: a melonccoli.”

“When it says on my potatoes ‘store in a cool, dark place,’ do you mean like a jazz club?”

“Poutine is just warm potato salad”

Pandemic of the Injected

“Caffeine is PG-13 cocaine”

“You’re crazy to everyone who can’t manipulate you”

“If it worked and was safe, you wouldn’t need to mandate, force, deceive or threaten…”

“If you’re asleep to the truth, you’ll drown in the lies”

“If we divide 123 genders by white supremacy, how much climate change do we have?”

“A patient cured is a customer lost”

“Brew. Enjoy. Empty. Repeat” (“beer” backronym)

“Why are bass guitarists always safe?”/“Because they stay out of treble.”

“Good bass players stay out of treble”

“A soup can’t go bad if you just never stop boiling it…”

“Fishing poles were the first tools used to get food online”

“What kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?”/“Pave-mint.”

“What’s a penguin’s favorite type of pasta?”/“Penguini.”

“What is Karen’s favorite drink?”/“White whine.”

“Sloppy joes are just beanless chili sandwiches”

“What type of pasta do penguins eat?”/“Penguine.”

“The freshest street in town is made of pave-mint”

“Sloppy joes are just chili sandwiches”

“A sloppy joe is just a chili sandwich”

“What’s every road worker’s favorite candy?”/“A pavemint.”

“Spaghetti is just Italian ramen”

“Ramen is just Japanese spaghetti”

“People will get mad at you for speaking the truth rather than being mad at the people who lied”

“If there is a ‘health food’ section in a grocery store, what does that make the rest of the food?”

“If the grocery store has a section for health food, then what is the rest of the store?”

“A dressmaker sews what she gathers; a farmer gathers what he sows”

“I love watching The History Channel. It’s my favorite past time”

“What’s the opposite of a hot dog?”/“A cool cat.”

“When the rich rob the poor, it’s called business. When the poor fight back, it’s called violence”

“A hot dog is the opposite of a chili dog”

“What’s the opposite of a hot dog?”/“A chili dog.”

“What’s the opposite of a cool cat?”/“A hot dog.”

“If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people’s trumpets…” (joke)

“A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday”

“Bath salts? What about bath peppers?! Heh!”

“A friend told me that all apples were yellow… I was like, ‘that’s bananas’”

“What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?”/“Stolen.”

“Bath salts imply the existence of bath peppers”

“I hate to toot my own horn, but I’ve gotten pretty good at playing other people’s trumpets!”

“I don’t like to toot my own horn, which is why I steal other people’s trumpets”

“I bought bath salts, but my bath still tastes bland”