“Sugar is just gay salt”

“My intellectual property is in foreclosure”

“What do you call a domestic animal you keep in your vehicle?”/“Carpet.”

“If you say AT&T backwards you sound like a Canadian bomb technician” (joke)

“I went to the worst escape room ever. It’s called IKEA”

“All-purpose flour has a limited number of uses”

“You cannot use all-purpose flour for all purposes”

“Accidentally drank invisible ink… I’m now in hospital, waiting to be seen”

“I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s for lunch. His mom was furious”

“Water is just ice juice”

“Ice cubes are just water croutons”

Water Crouton (ice cube)

“Ice is just water with bones”

“Water is just boneless ice”

“Dr Pepper is just barbecue water”

“Jello is just boneless bones”

World’s Greatest Stage (Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade)

World’s Longest Stage (Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade)

“Root beer is just barbeque water”

“Why can’t Santa Claus get COVID-19?”/“He has santibodies.”

“It should be illegal for you to choose whether you leave your house because you could harm me…”

“Root beer is just barbecue water”

“No one rules if no one obeys”

“I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. That’s why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT”

“I only accept apologies in cash”

“Everything I like is either illegal, expensive or ‘just a friend’”

“Everything I like is either illegal, expensive or doesn’t text me back”

“Everything I like is either illegal, expensive or won’t text me back”

“Root beer is just BBQ water”

“Dr Pepper is just barbeque water”

“Dr Pepper is just BBQ water”

“Why is Santa Claus immune to COVID-19?”/“Because he has santabodies.”

“My mask broke at the store. I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl”

“My mask broke in the store and it felt like my titty popped out”

“Always pre-heat the oven before putting the meat in”

“Always preheat the oven before you put the meat in”

“All wine is mulled wine, if you think about it”

“All wine is mulled wine when you think about it”

“Why did the cranberry sauce cross the road?”/“To get to the other sides.”

“Why did the cranberry sauce cross the plate?”/“To get to the other sides.”

“Why did the cranberry sauce cross the table?”/“To get to the other sides.”

“Why did the turkey cross the road?”/“To get to the other sides.”

“Why did the turkey cross the table?”/“To get to the other sides.”

“Don’t keep calm. Go change the world”

“Don’t keep calm. Go out and change the world”

“Bull riding is one of those sports that got started by ‘Watch this. hold my beer’”

“The most dangerous eight seconds in sports” (bull riding)

“The most dangerous 8 seconds in sports” (bull riding)

“My deer cloning operation has succeeded! I can finally make a quick buck”

“We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving. Invite neighbors to dinner, murder them, take their land”

“Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes. OnlyFans”

“Strippers don’t have A/C in their rooms. OnlyFans”

“If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then that law only exists for the lower class”

“If the penalty for a crime is a fine, then the law only exists if you are poor”

“But if that was true it would be on the news”

“If you don’t program your mind, it will be programmed for you”

“If you don’t program your mind, your mind will be programmed”

“There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data”

“If that were true it would be on the news”

“The ‘Canadians are nice’ stereotype is funny considering their favorite sport…” (hockey joke)

“Who is the healthiest member of the army?”/“General Wellbeing.”

“Has anyone tried turning the country off and on again?”

“Can we try turning the country off and on again?”

“Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit”

“People have become so brainwashed that they think health comes from masks and needles”

“Can’t wait to make a huge Thanksgiving dinner so my child can eat one roll”

“Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured”

“I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist”

“Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll”

“I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass”

“No matter how much you eat and drink, at least your earrings will still fit you”

“Keep in mind even during a pandemic, no matter how much chocolate you eat, earrings will still fit”

“Just passed my cheerleading exam. I went in to the exam room and said ‘Give me an A!’ so they did”

“The onion is the only vegetable that fights back”

“Sausage flavored vodka: Absolut Wurst”

Black Friday Slaughter Sale

“Vodka sausages are the Absolut wurst”

“Onions are the only vegetables that fight back”

“It’s Robinson Crusoe’s favorite shopping day” (Black Friday)

“The next forecast with the words ‘ice’ and ‘salt’ better be a damn margarita recipe”

“My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle. Strange name, but she tortoise well”

“We used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle. Strange looking woman, but she tortoise well”

“The quickest way to get a Democrat politician to put on a mask—is to turn on a camera”

“A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert”

“Remember, the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance…”

Shame Muzzle (face mask)

“You can’t fool an aborted baby because it wasn’t born yesterday”

“Ice is just a loaf of water”

“You can’t fool an aborted fetus. It wasn’t born yesterday”

Ritualistic Shame Muzzle (face mask)

“A block of ice is just a loaf of water”

“An ice cube is just a loaf of water”

“Never accept the government infringing upon your freedom as necessary or justified”

“I’m so poor my only funds are daylight savings”

One Armed Scissor (vodka and Red Bull)

“My favorite way to online shop is to yell out what I’m looking for & wait for the Facebook ads”

“Christmas is just Thanksgiving with gifts”

“My wife texted me this morning, ‘Windows frozen, won’t open’” (computer joke)

“The police asked me if I would take a lie detector. I said yes…” (joke)

“Our 3-year-old said she wanted a spirit guest. 3 exorcisms later, we realized she wanted asparagus”