“Why did the ghost cross the road?”/“To get to the other side.”

“Why did the dead chicken cross the road?”/“Because it was a poultrygeist.”

“Why did the dead chicken cross the road?”/“To get to the other side.”

“My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me. It’s soda grading”

“The real virus is communism. Coronavirus is just how it spreads”

“My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly. She is infringing on my right to bear arms”

“When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, these gave their today‘”

“When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, they gave their today‘”

“The real virus is communism. Covid-19 is just how it spreads”

“If your guns have ugly tattoos, I revoke your right to bare arms”

“People who don’t have tattoos have a right to bare arms”

“The right to bear arms means no tattoos”

Tiramisunami (tiramisu + tsunami)

“I was on the beach and got hit by a massive wave of cake. It was a tiramisunami”

“Hot Pockets are just dinner Pop-Tarts”

“Hot Pockets are just lunch Pop-Tarts”

“Hot Pockets are just meat Pop-Tarts”

“When we lose God, it is not God who is lost”

“Evil is powerless if the good are unafraid”

“What do you call a farmer in the army?”/“E.I. G.I. Joe.”

“A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips”

“Don’t let your ice cream melt while counting somebody else’s sprinkles”

“Walmart will be closed Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families”

“he problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven’t had any yet”

“Tree men walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“FOUR, but they wrote three.”

“How to start an argument online: 1. Say something. 2. That’s about it”

“It’s a little early for a cocktail. When did you start drinking?”/“March.”

“How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“FORE!”

“How to start an argument online: 1. Express an opinion. 2. Wait”

“Pop-Tarts are just breakfast Hot Pockets”

“Pop-Tarts are the poor man’s Toaster Strudel”

“I worked as a programmer for autocorrect, but they fried me for no raisin”

“Look at the size of your liver compared to your heart. You’re designed to drink more and care less”

“Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s at my feet…”

“Now my friends lay me down to sleep, a fifth of whiskey down by my feet…”

“I won the school punctuation competition. They gave me a posh trophy”

“Hush puppies are just Southern falafel”

“Procrastination is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow and nothing to do today”

Deep Kimchi (deep trouble)

“Hush puppies are just American falafel”

“Hush puppies are just redneck falafel”

“Falafel are Middle Eastern hush puppies”

“Falafel are Mediterranean hush puppies”

“Tzatziki is just Greek ranch dressing”

“Tzatziki is Mediterranean ranch dressing”

“Ranch dressing is just American tzatziki”

“I brought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant”

“Frosted Mini-Wheats are just breakfast Triscuits”

“Triscuits are just savory Mini-Wheats”

“Stuffing is just wet croutons”

“Stuffing is just soggy croutons”

“Stuffing is just moist croutons”

“Ranch dressing is just seasoned mayonnaise”

“Ranch dressing is just flavored mayonnaise”

“Ranch dressing is just spicy mayonnaise”

“Worcestershire sauce is just British soy sauce”

“Worcestershire sauce is just American soy sauce”

“Worcestershire sauce is just the white man’s soy sauce”

“Worcestershire sauce is just white people’s soy sauce”

“Soy sauce in Spanish means ‘I am sauce’”

“McDonald’s apple pies are just sweet Hot Pockets”

“Aioli is just mayo that studied abroad”

“Aioli is just mayonnaise that did a semester abroad”

“Greek yogurt is really just sour cream”

“Cauliflower is just albino broccoli”

“Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt that joined a frat”

“Greek yogurt is just sour cream that joined a fraternity”

“Greek yogurt is just sour cream that’s joined a sorority”

“Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli”

“Friend: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli. Me: I know what I saw.”

“When enough people understand reality, tyrants can literally be ignored out of existence”

“Macaroni is just tube spaghetti”

“Charcuterie boards are just Lunchables for adults”

“Lunchables are just charcuterie boards for kids”

Hawaii: “Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?”

“2020: The year health experts told you to avoid the gym”

“What is an actor’s favorite breakfast?”/“A big roll!”

“The best stimulus package would be a 0% income tax”

“Lunchables are just American bento boxes”

“The only difference between Lunchables and a charcuterie board is class aesthetics”

“What do you get when lightning strikes the chicken coop?”/“Sudden fried chicken.”

Sudden Fried Chicken (sudden + Southern fried chicken)

“I’ve been a fan of Gazpacho soup since before it was cool”

“I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous”

“I’ve set myself a five year plan to become more spontaneous”

“Sneezed all over my toast. Can’t believe it snot butter”

“I opened a tub of margarine & inside was a lump of green slime. I can’t believe it, snot butter”

“The real conspiracy theory is believing that you can replace your immune system with masks…”

“The whole country would be tested by midnight if Chick-fil-A was running the drive-thru”

“Rapunzel was quarantined and met her future husband so let’s think positively here”

“Ambition is for people who don’t have enough sense to be lazy”

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy”

“I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today. I just showed up to work 20 minutes early”

“Waffles are just pancakes with bones”

“I’m working on a fitness routine for insects. It’s OK, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs”

“Chiron was a half human/half horse doctor, which made him the Centaur for Disease Control”

“What do you call a silent kebab?”/“A shh-kebab.”

“Cheese is just a loaf of milk”

“The word ‘cheese’ is cancelled. Everyone must now call it a loaf of milk”