“How did Santa kill a dragon?”/“He sleighed it.”

“Tough love”

“Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?”/“‘Rude’olph.”

“All I want for Christmas is a self-cleaning house”

“My dad always said, ‘The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more’” (joke)

“Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?”/“‘Rude’olph.”

“The first rule of show business is to always leave them wanting more”

“The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more”

“I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way”

“Adam and Eve weren’t Chinese. They would have sold the apple and eaten the snake”

Bush League

“I haven’t been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex”

“Would you like to hear today’s special?” (restaurant joke)

“You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more”

“I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row”

“Southerners don’t measure seasonings. We just sprinkle and shake”

“Remember to set your scale back 10 lbs. this week”

“You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas gifts…”

“Have a great weekend because Monday will be here in 20 minutes”

“Yoga is a Sanskrit word which means ‘just try not to fart’”

“What did the assassin do when he was hungry?”/“The assassinate.”

“Why do programmers prefer dark mode?”/“Because light attracts bugs.”

“How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?”/“He lost the other in Nom.”

“My new years revolution is to learn how to spell”

“How do mathematicians scold their children?”/“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times

“Anybody know when Walmart is sending out W2s for self checkout?”

Panic Saturday or Super Saturday (Saturday before Christmas)

“My new year’s revolution is to learn how to spell”

“Beware the empty subway car. It’s empty for a reason” (subway tips and etiquette)

“Oh good, an email from every single store or website I’ve ever bought something from”

“Beware the empty train car. It’s empty for a reason” (subway tips and etiquette)

Super Saturday or Panic Saturday (Saturday before Christmas)

“What nationality is Santa Claus?”/“North Polish.”

“First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want”

“What language does Santa Claus speak?”/“North Polish.”

Wrap-up Smear

Christmas Adam (December 23, the day before Christmas Eve)

“Yoga is single player Twister”

“What is cardboard’s favorite sport?”/“Boxing.”

“Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas. The other letters were not-E”

“I decided to greet my coworkers with a ‘Congrats on not dying in your sleep’”

“He always knew he was a little different, but he let his light shine. Be more Rudolph”

Dog and Phony Show (Dog and Phoney Show)

Dog and Phoney Show (Dog and Phony Show)

“Lemme get a grande ice mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypotenuse” (coffee joke)

“Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia”

Pogey Bait

“It’s showtime!” (“It’s show time!”)

“Pringles got into my carpet. It’s beginning to look a lot like crisp mush”

“On a slow boat to China” (a long transport)

“Why is the prostitute good with math?”/“Because it’s the thot that counts.”

“That bit between Christmas and New Year where you don’t know what day it is”

“The 5 days between Christmas and New Year where you don’t know what day it is”

“Them awkward days between Christmas and New Year when you don’t know what day it is”

“So now that Christmas is over, can we just skip straight to Spring?”

“It’s showtime at the Apollo” (Harlem’s Apollo Theater)

“I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop”

“You know what sounds amazing for dinner? Anything I don’t have to cook”

“I don’t know what it is, but it’s on sale!”

“Having a kid is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich”

“I don’t measure a thing when I cook. I just sprinkle and add stuff”

“Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich”

“Dishes! We meet again you dirty bastards”

“That awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are jumping…and you’re a man”

“That awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are jumping…and you’re a dude”

“Cranberry juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol but it’s too shy”

“That awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are jumping…and you’re a guy”

“Have a good weekend because Monday will be here in 30 minutes”

“I sure do eat a lot of food for someone who expects to fit into clothes”

“I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that expects to fit into clothes”

“Must Lett Tom Pick Onion” (mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions)

“Dear Mother Nature: Having received my free sample of winter I would like to cancel…”

“The real winner in the ‘every child gets a trophy’ is the trophy making company”

“What’s a werewolf’s favorite sauce?”/“Béchamel, because it starts with a rouuuuuuuux.”

New Year’s Adam (December 30, the day before New Year’s Eve)

“What did Adam say on the day before New Year’s?”/“Happy New Year’s, Eve.”

“What did Adam say on the day before New Year’s?”/“It’s New Year’s, Eve.”

“The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it”

“It’s officially ‘once I’m home I’m not going out again’ season”

“My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself”

Hallothanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)

Hallowthanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)

“If you can read this, thank a teacher…and ef yoo kan rid ths yoo prebli ar a teecha”

“How the days feel: Mooooooonday Tueeeeeesday Weednesday Thuursday Friday Strdy S”

“I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 people who just walk around”

South Carolina: “South Carolina is too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum”