Plain Jane

“I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning…” (joke)

Test Kitchen

“I’m good at everything except modesty”

“The only thing I’m not good at is modesty, because I’m great at it”

Jail Bait (Jail-bait; Jailbait)

Marinara Sauce

Devil’s Lettuce (marijuana)

“Halloween apples!” (Halloween shout)

“How did the Eskimo build his house?”/“Igloo-d it together.”

“Why do people come back from baby changing stations with the same baby?”

“Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater”

“Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?”/“Because he’s an X-Boxer.”

“Snickers without peanuts is a Milky Way. Milky Way without caramel is a 3 Musketeers”

“What do dyslexic zombies eat?”/“Brians.”

“Charity, please” (Halloween request)

“What idiot called it iced coffee instead of cool beans”

“What do you call a woman who can’t draw?”/“Tracy.”

“A median and a mode walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Shell out!” (Halloween shout)

Horrible Body Odour (HBO nickname)

Home Brainwashing Office (HBO nickname)

“Iced coffee is literally cool beans”

Horrible Body Odor (HBO nickname)

Hebrew Brainwashing Organization (HBO nickname)

Always Broadcasting Crap (ABC nickname)

Awful Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

Already Been Canceled (ABC nickname)

Already Been Cancelled (ABC nickname)

“What’s the difference between communism & a pencil?”/“The pencil works on things other than paper.”

“Shocked. Shocked!” (meme)

“Don’t let your meatloaf!” (slang)

“Don’t let your meat loaf!” (slang)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Silly)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple and Straightforward)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Sweetie)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Stupid Simple)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Small and Simple)

K.I.S.S. (Keep It Short and Simple)

“Snow in November happens because people prematurely decorate for Christmas”

“Money talks” (proverb)

“Money talks, bullshit walks”

“Money talks, nobody walks”

“I played frisbee with my dog today. I think I need a flatter dog”

“Someone has glued my pack of cards together. I don’t know how to deal with it”

“I keep imagining I’m holding an invisible pack of cards. No one knows what I’m dealing with”

“All that and a bag of chips” (intensifier of “all that”)

“If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical”

Foodie Call (foodie + booty call)

“If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical”

“Don’t blame the baker when the butcher bakes the bread”

“I’m just a man, a man struggling to open a plastic vegetable bag at the grocery store”

“I’m aging like a fine banana”

“In the mix like Chex”

“Back in the mix like Chex”

“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana”

“No matter where you go, there you are”

“Money for jam” (easy money)

“Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects”

“An apology is a promise to do things differently next time, and to keep the promise”

Great Plains

Bait and Switch

“For Pete’s sake” (“For the love of Pete”)

“Hire someone, fire someone, and rearrange the furniture” (a new CEO’s tasks)

“Prison walls are never built to scale”

“So, sue me!”

“Success is normally found in a pile of mistakes”

“A model railway is never finished” (adage)

“There’s no such thing as a routine traffic stop” (police adage)

“Her (end of a date): We should have dinner again. Him: Thanks, but I’m full.”

“A model railroad is never finished” (adage)

“If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…” (joke)

“Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck & he’ll avoid low flying objects”

“Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he won’t walk into a bar”

“Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back”

“Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice”

“I love the smell of socially acceptable chemical dependence in the morning”

“I’m planning on being spontaneous sometime next week”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow”

“Climate change doesn’t care if you believe in it or not”

“Global warming doesn’t care if you believe in it or not”

“Gravity doesn’t care if you believe in it or not”

“Science doesn’t care what you believe in”

“If by living the American dream you mean paycheck to paycheck then yes I am”

Sludge Report (Drudge Report nickname)

CensorTube (YouTube nickname)

Sick Man of Europe

Sick Man of Asia

“First coffee, then presents”

“When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear”

“Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?”

“Why am I the only person naked at this gender reveal party?”

“Reinvent the wheel” (to do work unnecessarily when it has already been done)

UselessTube (YouTube nickname)

“That’s the tea” (that’s the truth)

“Happy new year!” (new year’s shout)

“Man was designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness”

“You were designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness”

“We are designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness”

“Sometimes I text and drive. I know it’s dangerous, but I do stupid things when I’m drunk”