“Where do Russians buy their coffee from?”/“Tsarbucks.”

“A million kids want to clean up the Earth. A million parents want it started with their bedrooms”

“Restaurant idea: Chicken joint named ‘Icarus’ Hot Wings’”

PLT (plant, lettuce and tomato)

“A million kids want to clean up earth. A million parents want them to start with their rooms”

Flying Wedge (formation of Jack’s restaurant waiters)

Pipe Dream

“The buck stops here” (accept responsibility)

“Pass the buck” (avoid responsibility)

“Where’s the best place to hide from a doctor?”/“An apple orchard.”

“I’m awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time”

“I’m awake! Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time”

“A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day”

“Fraud vitiates everything” (legal maxim)

“Morning sex. Proven to be more effective than coffee”

“Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee”

“What do you call a lawyer who brews coffee?”/“A barristar.”

“All things are possible with tequila and lipstick”

“I’m stuck between ‘I need to save money’ & ‘You only live once’”

“What do you call a lawyer who brews coffee?”/“A barristar.”

Carpetbag Steak

French Onion Dip or California Dip

“I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty”

California Dip or French Onion Dip

Hummingbird Cake

“You bring the alcohol, I’ll bring the bad decisions”

“You bring the beer, I’ll bring the bad decisions”

“You bring the booze, I’ll bring the bad decisions”

“You bring the tequila, I’ll bring the bad decisions”

“You bring the wine, I’ll bring the bad decisions”

“The man who created the chickpea spread passed away, but has been given an award posthummusly”

“Why is every gender equality officer female?”/“Because it’s cheaper.”

“I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish”

“I haven’t had a single drink all day. They’ve all been doubles”

“What do you call a grammar Nazi?”/“A corrections officer.”

“If they act like they can live without you, help them do it”

“The race to Finland isn’t over until you cross the Finnish line”

“What’s the fanciest kind of cheese?”/“Guccis.”

“In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack” (joke)

Ragamuffin Day

“I got so much procrastinating done today”

“Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?”

“Sweet fancy Moses!” (exclamation)

“What does the sun drink out of?”/“Sunglasses.”

“What do you call a vegetable that’s a dude and has a foodborn illness?”/“Bro Coli.”

“The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli”

“I don’t eat spinach. If I ate it I might like it, and I hate the damned stuff”

“Never get a bread appetizer at an Indian restaurant. It’s a naan-starter”

“The best restaurant on this block” (restaurant sign joke)

“I just can’t see myself wearing camouflage”

“Be nice to the office boy. You may be working for him tomorrow” (business adage)

“Be nice to the janitor. You may be working for him tomorrow” (business adage)

“Never swear at a prop boy. You may be working for him tomorrow” (entertainment adage)

Monkey Ward (Montgomery Ward nickname)

Sears, Sawbuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

“A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck…” (bar joke)

Shears, Sawbuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Rears, Sawbuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Rears, Sobuck & Co. (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Scissors and Sawbuck (Sears, Roebuck and Company nickname)

Alibi Ike

Gloomy Gus

Nervous Nellie (Nervous Nelly)

Good-time Charlie (Good-time Charley)

Negative Ned (Negative Nancy; Negative Nellie/Negative Nelly)

“But for a beautiful moment in time we created a lot of value for shareholders”

Debbie Downer

Salad Astoria

Salad Astoria

Pepperoni Pizza (pizza with pepperoni)

“My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary. I don’t know what he season her”

“I don’t mind if you’re pansexual, just stay away from my cookware”

Sullivan County: Solomon County (nickname)

Jewish Alps (Washington Heights)

“What’s cookin’?” (What’s cooking?”)

“Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear” (safety warning)

“Get off the cross, we need the wood”

Moxie (slang for having heart, courage)

“It is easier to start a war than to end it”

“If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching”

“If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass”

“If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop complaining”

Albany: Steamed Hams (hamburgers)

“What idiot called it ‘car repair’ and not autocorrect?”

Majoritarian (Majoritarianism)

Massapequa: Massapizza (nickname)

Massapequa: Matzah-Pizza or Matzoh-Pizza or Matzo-Pizza (nickname)

Matzah-Pizza or Matzoh-Pizza or Matzo-Pizza (Massapequa nickname)

“Only add soy sauce when the chef is standing upright. Never Kikkoman when he’s down”

Brookhaven: Crookhaven (nickname)

Montauk: The End (nickname)

Long Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Melville: Hellville (nickname)

Long Island: Long Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Largely Incompetent Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Railroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Rail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Railroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Wrong Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)