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April 16, 2017
Food/Drink

“I’m combining Easter and April Fools’ Day. I’m sending the kids to look for eggs I haven’t hidden”

An April joke involving both April Fools' Day and Easter is: "I'm combining Easter and April Fools day this year -- I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't…

October 31, 2020
Work/Businesses

“I’m considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?”

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on October 25, 2010. The joke originated on the Sickipedia…

October 31, 2020
Work/Businesses

“I’m considering becoming a mind reader. What do you think?”

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on October 25, 2010. The joke originated on the Sickipedia…

June 22, 2017
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notifications”

There are many jokes about computer notifications. "90% of the software on my iPhone doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself" was…

October 21, 2025
Work/Businesses

“I’m convinced that ‘noted’ is corporate version for saying ‘whatever’”

"'Noted' is the corporate version of 'whatever'" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "Whatever" is often used to express indifference,…

February 4, 2018
Work/Businesses

“I’m convinced that the employees of IKEA were just used to be customers”

IKEA stores are very large. "I'm convinced the employees of ikea are customers who ha no clue how to get out and just gave the fuck up" was posted on Twitter by Chris Young‏ on…

January 28, 2019
Names/Phrases

“I’m crazy about the Big Apple”

The Committee in the Public Interest sought to improve New York City's public image in 1976, leading to its hosting of the Democratic National Convention that year. William E.…

January 29, 2019
The Big Apple1970s: Big Apple Revival

“I’m crazy about the Big Apple” (1976 ad campaign)

The Committee in the Public Interest sought to improve New York City's public image in 1976, leading to its hosting of the Democratic National Convention that year. William E.…

January 8, 2017
Work/Businesses

“I’m crazy? I want a second opinion!”/“You’re ugly, too.”

A popular psychiatry joke has a psychiatrist tell a man, "You're crazy." "I want a second opinion," the man responds. "OK," says the doctor, "you're…

February 1, 2020
Work/Businesses

“I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fu cologne”

"Leave me the fuck alone!" is not the name of a cologne, but there are jokes. "Its my cologne! called leave me the fuck alone! Haha" was posted on Twitter by Oleg D on June 19,…

February 3, 2020
Work/Businesses

“I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fuck cologne”

"Leave me the fuck alone!" is not the name of a cologne, but there are jokes. "Its my cologne! called leave me the fuck alone! Haha" was posted on Twitter by Oleg D on June 19,…

September 15, 2020
Time/Weather

“I’m directing a cowboy film called The Sun. It’s set in the west”

A joke about the sun is: "I'm directing a cowboy film called The Sun. It's set in the west." The joke was posted on Twitter by alankemp (and others) on September 14, 2014, and…

June 28, 2021
Food/Drink

“I’m doing my best to remove the word ‘chocolate’ from my vocadbury”

"is struggling to remove the word chocolate from his voCadbury" was posted on Twitter by Colin G. Hill on July 23, 2009. "Vocadbury" is a jocular portmanteau word from…

June 7, 2025
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I’m done correcting typos. From now on finger it out”

Some people don't have the time or the patience to correct typos. This was posted on Instagram by christy_smith_astrology on February 25, 2025, and it received over 43,900 likes:…

May 4, 2015
Food/Drink

“I’m drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is”

"2% milk" refers to the fat content of the milk, but there's a popular joke: "If it's 2% milk, what's the other 98%?" "I always wondered if it was 2% milk,…

June 5, 2017
Food/Drink

“I’m drinking vodka and prune juice. I call it a pile driver”

A "Screwdriver" is a cocktail of vodka and orange juice. A "Piledriver" (or "Pile Driver") is sometimes said to be a cocktail of vodka and prune juice (a laxative that…

August 8, 2013
Food/Drink

“I’m eating just in case I get hungry in the future”

"I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future" is a jocular saying that has become popular on Twitter. The saying first appeared on Twitter with several tweets on November 14,…

October 22, 2025
Work/Businesses

“I’m either at work, going to work, coming from work, getting ready for work, getting some sleep for work, or thinking about not wanting to go to work”

"I'm either at work, going to work, coming home from work, sleeping for work, getting ready for work, or thinking about work" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The…

July 8, 2025
Work/Businesses

“I’m either at work, going to work, coming home from work, sleeping for work, getting ready for work, or thinking about work”

"I'm either at work, going to work, coming home from work, sleeping for work, getting ready for work, or thinking about work" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The…

March 4, 2017
Work/Businesses

“I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days”

"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days" is a jocular line that has been printed on several ecards. The saying was posted on Twitter on August 9, 2012 and…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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