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August 7, 2023
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs

“I’m a bodybuilding mime. Some people say I’m the strong, silent type”

Many women like the strong, silent type of man. "Women say they like the strong silent type. So basically a bodybuilder mime" was posted on X/Twitter by Sofa King Cool ✇ on January 8,…

November 6, 2015
Food/Drink

“I’m a chemical engineer. I convert beer and wine into urine”

The "convert beer into urine joke" has been popular since at least the 1990s. About 2008, a joke called the "Wisdom of a Retiree" circulated from an uncredited source:…

August 2, 2023
Food/Drink

“I’m a collector of empty bottles. That sounds better than alcoholic”

Does "collector of empty bottles" sound better than "alcoholic"? "My friends is a collector. Of empty bottles. Sounds SO much better than 'an alcoholic',…

June 30, 2022
Food/Drink

“I’m a complex woman with many moods—and they all require chocolate”

"I'm a woman of many moods and they all require chocolate" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I am a woman of many moods, and they all require chocolate.…

June 28, 2022
Food/Drink

“I’m a complex woman with many moods—and they all require coffee”

"I'm a complex woman with many moods -- and they all require coffee" is a saying that has been shown on an image. "I am a woman of many moods and they all require coffee"…

January 29, 2021
Food/Drink

“I’m a crepe. I’m a weirdough. What the hell am I doughing here? I donut belong here”

"Weirdo" is sometimes jocularly written as "weirdough" (weird/weirdo + dough). "Crêpe" can sound like "creep," and "donut" like "do…

April 7, 2023
Banking/Finance/Insurance

“I’m a dollarbetic because I don’t feel good when my money low”

"When my money low, I don't feel good. I think I'm a dollarbetic" (usually shown spoken by Baby Yoda) is a saying that has been printed on many images. "Dollarbetic"…

January 6, 2026
Transportation

“I’m a girl. Yes, this is my truck” (bumper sticker)

"I'm a girl. Yes, this is my truck" is a bumper sticker saying that has been printed on many images. Trucks are often associated with men, but many women like trucks, too. "~…

November 2, 2012
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“I’m a good housekeeper; every time I get a divorce, I keep the house”

Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917-2016) married nine times. She often told a joke about her marriages and her special housekeeping ability: "I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I'm divorced, I…

September 12, 2015
Education/Schools

“I’m a graduate, so a thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains”

Comparing a graduate with a thermometer is an old joke. "Thermometers are not the only things which are graduated and get degrees without brains" was cited in the Cornell Widow college…

June 25, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“I’m a lawyer. I’m here to defend your ass, not kiss it”

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to defend/help/protect your ass, not kiss it" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "i'm lawyer my job is to protect your ass NOT…

June 25, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“I’m a lawyer. I’m here to protect your ass, not kiss it”

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to defend/help/protect your ass, not kiss it" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "i'm lawyer my job is to protect your ass NOT…

June 25, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“I’m a lawyer. It’s my job to defend your ass, not kiss it”

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to defend/help/protect your ass, not kiss it" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "i'm lawyer my job is to protect your ass NOT…

December 27, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“I’m a lawyer.” / “Honest?” / “No, the regular kind.”

“I’m a lawyer.” “Honest?” “No, the regular kind" is a lawyer joke that was posted on the newsgroup alt.bbs.wildcat on February 15, 1996. The joke is that the speaker had meant…

April 12, 2012
Food/Drink

“I’m a light eater; when it gets light, I start eating”

"I'm a light eater; when it gets light, I start eating" is a joke that has been attributed to baseball pitcher Tommy John, baseball coach Tommy Lasorda and football defensive tackle…

September 9, 2017
Food/Drink

“I’m a magician who steals candy bars. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve”

The Twix chocolate bar has had a few puns, such as a magician having Twix (tricks) up his sleeve. "One laugh on all of NBC's Thursday night shows: Twix up my sleeve. Ruined by being in…

February 17, 2017
Work/Businesses

“I’m a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear”

A popular paycheck joke is: "I'm a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear." "You're (magician Doug Henning -- ed.) good...but the government is faster at ,making a…

October 28, 2022
Banking/Finance/Insurance

“I’m a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse”

"I'm a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse" is a saying that has been printed on many images. Many millennials cannot afford a retirement plan. "RT…

June 25, 2020
Work/Businesses

“I’m a nurse. I’m here to save your ass, not kiss it”

"I'm a nurse. I'm here to save your ass, not kiss it" is a saying that has been printed on many images. Google Books Title I'm a Nurse My Job Is to Save Your Ass Not Kiss…

May 3, 2016
Restaurants/Bars/Coffeehouses/Food Stores

“I’m a Ph.D.—Pizza Hut Deliveryman”

Pizza Hut is an American pizza and pasta restaurant chain that offers sit-down service, as well as take-out and delivery. "I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman" is a joke a poor…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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