“I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener”
"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" is an old proverb meaning that everyone's situation in life is seemingly (if not actually) more desirable than one's…
New York of India (Mumbai nickname)
“I’m too embarrassed to go to my kindergarten reunion. I’ve put on, like, 130 pounds since then”
People often gain weight after they leave school and reunions can be frightening -- but a kindergarten reunion? "I declined an invitation to my Kindergarten Reunion because...well, you know,…
“I’m trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won’t open!”
"I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won't open!" is a jocular line that has been printed on many images. "Is trying to get into the Christmas…
“I’m trying to kick dairy and now I’ve got the milk shakes”
"I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes" is a jocular one-line saying that was cited on Twitter on September 3, 2014. The joke started to become popular on…
“I’m using food in my magic act, crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts, then…pesto!”
"Presto!" should not be confused with "pesto," but a joke was posted on Twitter by FP Lamb on February 10, 2014: "I've started using food in my magic act. I start by…
“I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club. We go back years”
There are many timely jokes about time travel. "Very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club. We go back years" was posted on Facebook by punsandoneliners.com on…
“I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges”
A refrigerator (or "fridge") magnet sticks to a refrigerator, but certainly isn't powerful enough to pull in a refrigerator. A joke was posted on Twitter on January 28, 2011:…
“I’m walking on a treadmill. I named it Sunshine. I’m walking on Sunshine”
"I'm walking on sunshine woahhhh I'm walking on sunshine woahhh wait it's a treadmill ..." was posted on Twitter by Anna Craig on April 9, 2010. The song "Walking on…
“I’m willing to die for my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?”
"I'm willing to die for my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?" (also "I'm willing to die protecting my rights. Are you willing to die to take…
“I’m willing to die protecting my 2nd amendment rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them?”
"I'm willing to die for my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?" (also "I'm willing to die protecting my rights. Are you willing to die to take…
“I’m willing to die protecting my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?”
"I'm willing to die for my rights. Are you willing to die trying to take them from me?" (also "I'm willing to die protecting my rights. Are you willing to die to take…
“I’m with stupid”
"I'm with stupid" is a saying that has been printed on many T-shirts and posters, usually with an arrow or finger pointing to the "stupid" person. "I'm with…
“I’m wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicles die, but fat cells…”
"Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die. But FAT CELLS...must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life" is a jocular saying…
“I’m working on a fitness routine for insects. It’s OK, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs”
The expression "work out the bugs" means to remove defects, but a joke takes the words literally. "I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's going well, but…
“I’m working on my résumé. Should I use ‘mad skillz’ or would ‘mad skills’ be more formal?”
"Mad skillz" is slang for "very skilled." A joke was posted on Twitter by "Polythene Spam" on April 1, 2010: "I'm working on a cover letter. Should I use the…
“I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It’s only a draft at the moment”
The word "draft" can mean several things. "Writing a book about the intensity of wind. So far, I've only done a draft" was posted on Twitter by Park Bench on January 10,…
“I’ve accepted that I’ll never retire. I’ll be working up until my funeral, probably using a vacation day for it”
"I've accepted that I'll never retire. I'll be working up until my funeral, probably using a vacation day for it" is a saying that has been printed on many images The…
“I’ve almost finished my sandwich filling degree. I do my final eggs ham tomorrow”
"Final exam" is sometimes jocularly given as "final eggs ham." "final eggs ham" was posted on Twitter by Joey Miller on August 3, 2010. "I've almost finished…
“I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”/“Thank you. Two sugars, please.”
"Manatee" (a large, fully aquatic, mostly herbivorous marine mammal) should not be confused with "man a tea," but there are jokes. "My wife and I were talking about obscure…
“I’ve always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread”
The high price of groceries is reflected in this joke in "The Girls," a syndicated newspaper comic strip by Franklin Folger that was printed on December 23, 1974: (Two women talking,…