“My mayonnaise is trying kill me or so my sauces tell me”
"It's national pasta day.....so my sauces tell me..." -- a pun on "my sources tell me" -- was posted on Twitter on January 24, 2013. "Apparenty, the Heinz ketchup has…
Texas (Lone Star State Dictionary)
“My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem”
Some things have to be stored in a "cool, dark place." "Just a note to all you comic collectors: always keep your comics in a cool dark place. I keep mine in a jazz club in the…
“My memes are like your ex. Stolen and passed around”
"My memes are like your ex. Stolen and passed around" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "Memes getting passed around like my ex" was posted on Facebook by Tuguy…
“My milk is about to die. It’s at 2%”
"2% milk" refers to the fat content of the milk. It's not like a phone at 2% power, but there are jokes. "I think I need new WiFi my milk is only at 2% and I got it a week ago.…
“My mind is like an internet browser. I have 19 tabs open, 3 are frozen ...”
"My mind is like an/my internet browser. I have 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many…
“My mom always tells me I’m special, but I can’t figure out who this Ed guy is!”
"Special ed" means "special education," not a "special" guy named "Ed." "My friends call me special, but i cant figure out who this ed guy is!!!!"…
“My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day…” (joke)
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic caused many people to stay home. "My mom use to tell me I wasn't going to accomplish nothing by sleeping all day....now look at me saving the…
“My mom tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter”
The word game of Scrabble has tiles of single letters. The pun "wooden letter" ("wouldn't let her") is sometimes made. "My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble.…
“My mom used to cut the edges of my jelly sandwiches. This is why I have crust issues”
"Why I have trust issues" shouldn't be confused with "why I have crust issues," but there are food jokes. "My mom used to cut the edges of my jelly sandwiches. This is…
“My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper”
"My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper" is a quote by American actress and comedian Amy Sedaris that has been printed on many images. Sedaris…
“My mom worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table. Great mom, but a really slow cook”
"My father worked ten hours a day to put food on the table. Great dad, very slow cook" is a joke that was posted on X/Twitter by Mark Simmons on February 13, 2020. The joke is that…
“My Monday morning routine consists of talking myself out of quitting my job”
Many people think of quitting their jobs every morning. "My Monday morning routine consists of talking myself out of quitting my job" was posted on Facebook by Lisa Florio-Weigele on July…
“My morning coffee contains all of my people skills”
"My morning coffee contains all of my people skills" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "Please don't disturb me while I'm having my coffee. Right…
“My morning routine consists of talking myself out of quitting my job”
Many people think of quitting their jobs every morning. "My Monday morning routine consists of talking myself out of quitting my job" was posted on Facebook by Lisa Florio-Weigele on July…
“My mortgage identifies as a student loan” (student loan forgiveness joke)
Student loan debt forgiveness became an issue at the first Democratic Party 2020 presidential debate on June 26, 2022. Joe Biden, who participated in the debates, was elected president. "FACT…
“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow”
American comedian Rita Rudner said of Thanksgiving: "My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow." It's not known when Rudner first said it, but…
“My mother served nothing but leftovers; the original meal has never been found”
Calvin Trillin -- frequently described as "America's funniest food writer" -- is often credited with this joke about leftovers: "The most remarkable thing about my mother is…
“My mother taught me about the science of osmosis—‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper!’”
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" is what a parent might say to a child -- although food can't get in the mouth if it's shut. "Some of the funniest memories came from…
“My muffin top is now a pound cake”
"My muffin top is now a pound cake" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker has gone from fat in the middle (muffin top) to fat all around (pound cake).…
“My neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply. We got a long well”
"Got a long well" is not the same was "got along well," but there are jokes. "My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply. We got a long…