“If I knew you were coming, I’d have baked a cake”
"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake" is a famous line that, according to a 1951 newspaper article below, was coined by American actor Walter Catlett (1889-1960) in the…
Big Mango (Bangkok, Thailand nickname)
“If I offended you, I apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read”
"If I've offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly did not think you could read" is a jocular social media apology that has been printed on many images. "If…
“If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that’s known as a squid pro quo”
"Quid pro quo" (something in exchange for something else) has nothing to do with calamari (squid), but there are jokes. "It could be the squid pro quo for a bowl of cold spaghetti in…
“If I only wanted one drink, I’d go for communion” (bar sign)
"If I only wanted one drink, I’d go for communion" is a jocular line that has been printed on bar signs. GSElevator (Goldman Sachs Elevator) posted the message on Twitter on September…
“If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called ‘The Usual’ so everyone would feel special”
Many diners has special, invented names for sandwiches. "If I owned a diner I'd have a sandwich called 'The Usual' so everyone would feel special. #fb" was posted on…
“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell” (Philip Sheridan)
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" is a famous statement of U.S. General Philip Henry Sheridan in 1866. A later account (1883, below) tries to temper the…
“If I pass out, please note my time”
"If I pass out, please note my time" is a jocular exercise saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter on August 4, 2012. Twitter…
“If I pay $40 for a haunted house, I better die”
Haunted houses can be expensive, and for the price being charged, they should be scary. "if i pay $40 for a haunted house, I better get stabbed foreal" was posted on X/Twitter by…
“If I pay $40 for a haunted house, I better get stabbed for real”
Haunted houses can be expensive, and for the price being charged, they should be scary. "if i pay $40 for a haunted house, I better get stabbed foreal" was posted on X/Twitter by…
“If I played there, they’d name a candy bar after me” (Reggie!)
There's a candy bar called "Baby Ruth" and another called "Oh, Henry!" It was widely believe in baseball circles that these were named after the home run hitters Babe Ruth…
“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore corruption in the government”
"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption" (or "If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the…
“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption”
"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption" (or "If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the…
“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government”
"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption" (or "If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the…
“If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel”
Some people procrastinate a lot. A joke was posted on Twitter by Phil Plait on February 11, 2013: "If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel."…
“If I put a guitar pick in my pocket, does that make it a pickpocket?”
Many people put a guitar pick in their pocket, especially the small pocket in their jeans that was originally meant for a watch. "RETWEET if you use this pocket solely for guitar picks!…
“If I put the Constitution in my emails, would the government start reading it?
"Maybe if we email the Constitution to each other, the NSA would finally read it?" (or "If I put the Constitution in my emails, would the government start reading it?") is a…
“If I read one more corny Ides of March joke, I’m going to stab my best friend”
March 15th (the middle of the month) is called the Ides of March. Roman general and statesman Julius Caesar was assassinated on March 15, 44 B.C. "If I read one more corny ides of March joke,…
“If I saved all the money I spent on beer, I’d spend it on beer”
"If I saved all the money I spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "QUOTABLE - 'If I had back all the money…
“If I saved all the money I’ve spent on beer, I’d spend it on beer”
"If I saved all the money I spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "QUOTABLE - 'If I had back all the money…
“If I say ‘I could eat,’ we’ve got about 32 minutes tops before I am flat out a different person”
People behave differently when they're hungry. "If I say 'I could eat' we’ve got about 32 minutes tops before I am flat out a different person" was posted on Twitter by…