“Two peanuts were walking down the street—one was assaulted” (joke)
"Two peanuts were walking down the street -- one was assaulted" ("assaulted" is a pun on "a salted" peanut) is a joke that has been published on many websites.…
Archive for 11/2012
“Hors d’oeuvres—a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces”
Hors d'oeuvres are often very tiny pieces of food. "Hors d'oeuvres: A ham sandwich cut into 40 pieces" has been credited since at least 1952 to the comedian Jack Benny…
“It’s only money”
"It's only money" means that there are other things more important than money. The person who loses money can get it back again. A person's health, for example, is always much…
“Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana”
"Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana" is often credited to the comedian Groucho Marx (1890-1977), but Marx -- if he ever said it -- almost certainly has nothing to do with…
“Politicians are interested in people; fleas are interested in dogs”
P. J. O'Rourke is an author known for political satire. He wrote in Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S Government (1991): "Politicians are interested…
“Spelling is a lossed art”
'Spelling is a lossed art" is a jocular saying (a pun on the misspelled word "lost") that has been printed on many gift items, such as T-shirts and posters. "Spelling is a…
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight”
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight" said comedian Rita Rudner, who was probably exaggerating her vegetarianism. The one-line saying has been published on many…
“Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
"Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" is a joke that has been credited to comedian John Mendoza since at least 1988. Alphabet soup contains letter-shaped pasta and…
“Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.”
"Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many websites. The saying has been cited in print since at least…
Goldmanite (Goldman Sachs employee)
A present or former employee of the financial firm of Goldman Sachs is called a "Goldmanite." The name 'Goldmanite" has been cited in print since at least 1992.…
“At my house, we pray after we eat”
People often pray before a meal (such as a grace prayer) to give thanks for the food on the table. The comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) joked: "My wife is the worst cook in the world.…
“Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check”
Many fine dining restaurants offer after-dinner mints, suggesting a pun on the word "mint": "Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check"…
Mercedes Marxist
A "Mercedes Marxist" is someone who wants everyone to share the wealth (such as in Marxism) -- everyone, that is, except himself or herself (who gets to ride a Mercedes or another…
“Duty is ours; results are God’s” (“Duty is ours, consequences are God’s”)
Matthew Henry (1662-1714), an English commentator on the Bible, wrote in An Exposition of All the Books of the Old and New Testaments (1708-1710): "Good men are more solicitous and desirous to…
“Boisterous Sea of Liberty” (“Tempestuous Sea of Liberty”)
"Boisterous sea of liberty" and "tempestuous sea of liberty" both are from letters by Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826). In an April 24, 1796 letter to Philip Mazzei (1730-1816),…
“Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood”
"Love thy neighbor as thyself" is in the Bible in Leviticus 19:18 and in several passages of the New Testament. "Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood" is a…
“If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets”
"If God had intended us to fly, He would have given us wings" is a popular anonymous proverb. The jet age of the 1960s added a different ending: "If God wanted us to fly, he would…
“Know thyself; if you need help, call the CIA”
"Know thyself" is an ancient Greek proverb that was inscribed in the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. "Know thyself; if you need help, call the CIA/FBI" is a humorous one-line saying…
Circuit of the Americas (Austin racetrack)
Austin (TX) premiered in November 2012 the first track in the United States built specifically for Formula One racing. The name "Circuit of the Americas" was introduced to the public in…
Boat Check
A "boat check" is a sick leave payout given to an employee (usually in government) at retirement. The sick leave days are usually paid at the highest hourly rate, not at the rates the…