“If I had any self-control, I’d probably eat that, too”
Some people eat and have no self-control. "'@Oobrey: If I had any self control I'd probably eat that too.' #LOL" was posted on Twitter by Ali Bomaye on December 12, 2012.…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If I had laser hair, I would never get that shit removed”
"Laser hair removal" is the process of hair removal with laser light. It is not the removal of "laser hair," but there are jokes. "If I had laser hair, I wouldn't have…
“If I had my life to live over, I’d live over a saloon”
American actor Lew Parker (1910-1972) was credited in 1951 with the line: "If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a saloon." The jocular line has been usually credited since…
“If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend the first four of them sharpening my axe”
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) is often quoted for having said, "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe." The hours vary (usually it's given as…
“If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich—if I had some ham”
"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs" (or "If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham") is a jocular saying from a…
“If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs—if I had some eggs”
"If I/we had some ham, I/we could have ham and eggs -- if I/we had some eggs" (or "If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham") is a jocular saying…
“If I had some ham, I could make a ham sandwich—if I had some bread”
"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs" (or "If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham") is a jocular saying from a…
“If I had super powers, I would only use them for baked goods and never for baked evils”
"Good" is the opposite of "bad" and "evil." There are "baked goods," but there are no "baked bads" or "baked evils." "Then tell me…
“If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I’d choose my gun…”
"If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I'd choose my gun. Then I'd say what I want because I have a gun" is a Bill of Rights saying that has been printed on…
“If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, ‘Not very good at maths’”
A math joke was posted on Twitter by Sanjeev Kohli on November 27, 2012: "If I were to describe myself in three words, I would probably say 'really not very good at maths.'"…
“If I had to stir it, it’s homemade”
"If I had/have to stir it, it's homemade" (or "If I stirred it, it's homemade") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, it's home…
“If I have to stir it, it’s homemade”
"If I had/have to stir it, it's homemade" (or "If I stirred it, it's homemade") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, it's home…
“If I haven’t offended you yet…. Look through my posts. That shit is in there somewhere”
"If I haven't offended you yet.... Look through my timeline.... that shit in there somewhere.... #stolenquote #Truth" was posted on Facebook by Daniel Chavez on November 18, 2015.…
“If I heard the Mario coin sound whenever I completed a task, maybe I’d accomplish more”
The "Mario coin sound" is familiar to Mario video gamers. They hear that sound when a task is successfully accomplished. "if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task…
“If I hid a handgun in a bowl of guacamole, would it be called glockamole?”
A Glock is usually not found in guacamole, but there are jokes. A popular image shows a Glock in a pot of guacamole. "You mean Glock-amole?"was posted on the newsgroup rec.guns on…
“If I invest in a butcher shop, does that make me a steakholder?”
"Stakeholder" shouldn't be confused with "steakholder," but there are jokes. This was posted on X/Twitter by LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More on May 5, 2025: "If I…
“If I knew how to back flip that’d be my response to everything”
"If I knew how to back flip that'd be my response to everything" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on X/Twitter by teffi on September 16, 2022,…
“If I knew you were coming, I’d have baked a cake”
"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake" is a famous line that, according to a 1951 newspaper article below, was coined by American actor Walter Catlett (1889-1960) in the…
“If I offended you, I apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read”
"If I've offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly did not think you could read" is a jocular social media apology that has been printed on many images. "If…
“If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that’s known as a squid pro quo”
"Quid pro quo" (something in exchange for something else) has nothing to do with calamari (squid), but there are jokes. "It could be the squid pro quo for a bowl of cold spaghetti in…