“I quit my job testing treadmills. I felt I wasn’t going anywhere”
"I bet testing treadmills is a great starter job. Seems like it could really get a career up and running..." is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Nancy on September 28, 2012. "My…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice”
"I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice" is a joke that has been printed on several images. The joke has been cited in print since at…
“I quit smoking cold turkey” (joke)
"Cold turkey" is defined as a sudden stop to a dependency (such as smoking or drugs). A pun on the "cold turkey" term appeared in New York magazine on November 20, 1978: "I…
“I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn’t think that ice cream truck would ever stop!”
Some people run...for ice cream? "I Ran Five Miles Today.....Damn Ice Cream Truck Still Didn't Stop...Even Though I Was Yellin & Wavin My Money At Him!!" was posted on Twitter on…
“I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn’t think that ice cream truck would ever stop!”
Some people run...for ice cream? "I Ran Five Miles Today.....Damn Ice Cream Truck Still Didn't Stop...Even Though I Was Yellin & Wavin My Money At Him!!" was posted on Twitter on…
“I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries”
"I ran into a lamppost. But I only have light injuries" is a pun that was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on July 18, 2020. "I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained…
“I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty”
"I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I ran out of coffee this…
“I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers… The Times are rough”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in toilet paper shortages -- and jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on March 18, 2020: "I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old…
“I ran over 5 miles today. Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy”
People named "Miles" should not be confused with actual "miles," but there are jokes. "I actually meant to say I ran over 4 people named Miles" was posted on Twitter…
“I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more”
"I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more" is a jocular saying about running that has been printed on many images. "I ran twice today, first i ran…
“I rarely put orange slices in my beer. Once in a Blue Moon”
Blue Moion is a Belgian-style witbier brewed by MillerCoors. The beer is usually served with an orange slice. There are many "once in a Blue Moon" jokes. "I hardly ever eat orange…
“I reached peak adulting by being thrilled to be in a nearly empty supermarket first thing in the morning”
"I reached peak adulting by being thrilled to be in a nearly empty supermarket first thing in the morning" is a saying that has been printed on many images. An empty supermarket allows…
“I read old books because I would rather learn from those who built civilization than those who tore it down”
"I read old books because I would rather learn from those who built civilization than those who tore it down" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "A lot of talk about…
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction” (joke)
American comedian Rita Rudner used a successful line in her routine by at least 2000: "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's…
“I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean. I just wish they’d told me…” (joke)
A banana a day can help the colon. However, one should eat the banana -- and not attempt to directly insert it into the colon. "Maxwell said a banana a day is good for keeping your colon…
“I read that cinnamon is good for weight control. So I started eating 5 cinnamon rolls every morning”
Some doctors believe that cinnamon helps for weight control -- so patients can then order a lot of cinnamon rolls? This is just a food joke because no one eats cinnamon rolls to lose weight.…
“I read the instructions on a ready meal lasagne. It said, ‘Remove cardboard sleeve and film.’ Most boring home movie ever”
The frozen food instructions "remove cardboard sleeve and film" doesn't mean to film the dish, but there are jokes. "'Remove cardboard sleeve and film', so I did. My…
“I realized school was a joke when my business teacher didn’t own a business and my PE teacher couldn’t pass their own fitness test”
"I knew school was a scam when my business teacher didn't own a business, and my PE teacher was fat" is a saying that has been printed on many images. In other words, the teachers…
“I realized the other day millennials use lol the same way operators would use stop in morse code and now I can’t unsee it”
Millennials often add "lol" (for "laugh out loud") at the end of a text message, and people have noticed that it's like the word "STOP" in an old-time telegram.…
“I really believe in the healing power of chips and salsa”
Chips and salsa make many people feel good. Do chips and salsa have healing powers? "dr recommended another week of rest....and Mexican for lunch. The amazing healing power of chips and…