“I don’t trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea”
A popular "tea" pun is: "I don't trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea." The joke was cited on Twitter on July 24, 2015. SickipediaI don't trust new…
“A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it”
"Putt" and "put" is the source of the golf pun: "A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it." The joke has been cited in print since at least 1939. The line…
“I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server”
Websites often have a problem with a "server," providing the basis of tennis puns. "Just tried to get on the British Tennis Association's website but they're having…
“Give me a T” (tea joke)
"T" and "tea" sound the same. A "Give me a T" joke -- not, as it turns out, a letter cheer -- has been cited in print since at least October 2015. Sickipedia"Give…
“I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift” (joke)
The term "wait a minute" doesn't literally mean that, but there's a joke: "I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift for 60 seconds. I…
“Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?”/“Tarzipan.”
"Tarzipan" is a portmanteau of "marzipan" (a confection popular at Christmas) and "Tarzan" (a man of the jungle). A joke was cited in 1978: Q: What swings about a…
Catskill Mountains: “Catskill Mountains? Don’t cats kill mice?”
New York's Catskill Mountains name has been the subject of puns. "Catskill ice" was sold in New York City, but it was reported in 1855 that the letter "M" was being written…
“My fellow Americans”
"My fellow Americans" is often how a politician (such as a president or a senator) addresses the people of the United States. "My fellow Americans" has been cited in print since…
“I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil”
"I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Now he'll only drink for EVIL. MT @KatMcKinley Randy Travis…
“When the cannibal came late for dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder”
"Cold shoulder" originally meant cold cuts of meat -- not literally a person's shoulder -- but there's a popular cannibal joke: "What did the cannibal get when he was late…
“Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner”
American comedian and actor Jack Benny (1894-1974) was has been quoted with this golf gem (cited in print since at least 1959): "Give me my golf clubs, the fresh air and a beautiful partner,…
“The boat store held a paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal”
"Oar-Deal" (a pun on "ordeal") is a registered trademark since 1954 for an oar protector. A joke was cited on Twitter on September 28, 2012: "There was a big paddle sale at…
“The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless”
Saint Nicholas (sometimes called Santa Claus) had a pun on his name cited in 2006: "Does Santa have any money?""No. That's why they call him St. Nickeless!" A pun went…
“A vulture with two dead raccoons tries to board. ‘Sorry, only one carrion is allowed’”
Flight attendants often ask about "carry-on" luggage, and there's a pun: "A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at it and says,…
“He wears glasses during math because it improves division”
A popular math pun on the word "division" is: "He wears glasses during math because it improves division." The joke has been cited in print since at least 2001. Google Groups:…
Lack Toast And Taller Ant or Lack Toast In Toddler Ant (lactose intolerant)
"Lactose intolerant" is sometimes jocularly called "lack toast and tolerant." "Big Mistake of the Day: ...lack toast and tolerant ..." was cited in print in 1997.…
“Why do crabs never give to charity?”/“Because they’re shellfish.”
"Shellfish" sounds like "selfish," prompting the pun: Q: Why do crabs/lobsters/oysters never give to charity?A: Because they're shellfish. "You know why clams keep…
“Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist”
"RIP boiled/boiling water. You will be mist" is a jocular saying tha has been printed on many images. "Good bye, boiling water. You'll be mist" was cited on Twitter on May…
“Roommates say I steal a kitchen utensil, but it’s a whisk I’m willing to take”
For those who weally, weally weplace "r" with "w" in their speech, the following joke was cited on Twitter on February 17, 2010: "Thinking about robbing a kitchen. Might…
“A gymnast walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." "A gymnast walks into a bar, and is rendered hors de combat" was cited on Twitter…